Some of you will argue that Joe Hart is not even the fifth-best currently active English goalkeeper, never mind the best.
Some of you will claim his wrists are as firm as a liquorice drainpipe.
Some of you will point out he’s as accurate with his feet as a three-legged antelope trying to kick the top off a bottle of Vimto. In the dark.
Some of you will contend that he’s as loathe to leave the comfort of his line as Adrian Mutu on a lad’s night out in Crystals.
Well, that’s your opinion. We’re simply here to EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL the reasons why old ‘Digital’ Hart keeps getting picked for England.
‘Gareth Southgate’ is a Soviet sleeper agent
Back in 1970, a newborn Grigory Pavlovich Yuzhnivorota was smuggled into the UK on the back of a lorry containing 200 kilos of canned boiled cabbage.
Accompanied by a handler known only as Dmitry, the infant Grigory was re-christened Gareth and deliberately raised to be the most boring man in the most boring place in England, Watford. For years, he was encouraged to follow his passion for carpet-samples and leaf-collecting, all with the intent of making him as incongruous as humanly possible.
Meanwhile, ‘Gareth’ was injected constantly with a superdrug developed in Kaliningrad, which made him a solid if unspectacular footballer – nothing too fancy; don’t want him ending up as a flashy winger. This was vital to Dmitry and Grigory in their capacity as KGB sleeper agents.
Because Grigory had a mission: to ensure England never again win an international football tournament. Despite the fall of the USSR and the death of his mentor Dmitry, Grigory decided to follow through with his task after seeing a documentary about Japanese soldiers stranded on Pacific islands who refused to believe the war was over.
At Euro ’96 and ’00 and World Cup ’98 and ’02, he was integral in that regard. Now in charge of the Three Lions, he continues to uphold his KGB responsibilities by ensuring Joe Hart is picked as England’s number one.
The Head & Shoulders lobby is still a powerful super pac
There have been a series of vicious rumours spread by the red-top gutter press that poor old Joe has lost his contract with the anti-dandruff giant. These heinous untruths need to be refuted.
Head & Shoulders are committed to their famous ‘You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a Horrendous Gaffe’ slogan, and have continued to guerrilla-market their brand through Hart.
It is believed that Procter & Gamble regularly deliver kilos of petroleum jelly to the Hart household, which they insist on him smearing liberally on his gloves before each match.
The logic is that with each abominable handling error, Joe will immediately drop his head and hunch his shoulders, thereby exposing a wonderfully flake-free mane of hair to the world via the TV cameras furiously zooming in on him.
Paddy Power understands that there may also be some connection between a shipment of 23 crates sent to the FA president, Billy Windsor, and Hart’s ongoing presence in the England side.
Pep Guardiola doesn’t fancy him, which means he’s actually a world-class keeper
As we all know, Josep Guardiola is nothing but a pesky Euro-chancer who got lucky and somehow managed to create – more by accident than design – the greatest domestic team of all time.
Keen observers will have been aware of this for quite some time due to his continued selection of Victor Valdes in the Barcelona first XI. The more astute minds in the game will have always known that the smart thing to do would have been to sign Chris Kirkland and instruct him to punt the ball as long as possible each time he gained possession.
What’s more, the cardigan-wearing little technocrat is attempting to sabotage Man City’s chances of becoming the strongest petro-club in the world by applying The Valdes Policy at the Etihad. Brave Joe was consequently forced to leave good old Blighty, his reputation in tatters.
Still, the joke’s on Pep: all he’s succeeded in doing is proving what a magnificent keeper Hart is. A point that was proven when super-club West Ham United sensationally snapped him up on a season-long loan this summer.
We all need a bit of a laugh now and then
The media need him in the side for their ‘heart’ puns
Keeping Hart involved means the press can continue to write headlines that are right up their Alli, and as a result they’re Keane to keep him involved even if he costs them Dierly on the pitch, as they don’t have the Stones to use their imagination when things are Heaton up in the editorial office.
Anyway, he’s got the ‘Hart’ of an Ox, and has turned in some Sterling performances over the years for England, even if some of his decisions have looked a bit Rashford, particularly when the opposition have players who can Cresswell.
Can somebody please come and help me?