I know what you’re thinking: this lad’s spent too many nights sobbing alone in a bath with nothing but a few crates of Blue WKD and the Daily Mail comments section for company.
But you’re wrong. England are dead certs to lift the World Cup trophy in Russia in 2018.
There’s simply no doubt about it.
It’s as certain as Raheem Sterling shanking a cross into the shins of the first defender, no matter how far away said defender is. It’s as certain as Joe Hart being beaten by a mishit shot low to his left. It’s as certain as John Stones being dispossessed inside his own six-yard box after attempting to play his way out of trouble with a sequence of three Cruyff turns and an elastico.
It’s, well, certain.
And here’s why.
Brexit will allow the Three Lions to take back control
Now that England the UK has got what it wanted and is almost out of the EU, those petty bureaucrats in Brussels will no longer be able to hold back the English national team.
It’s no coincidence that since the UK was coerced into joining this unholy union, England have not won an international tournament.
This is unquestionably due to British footballers being forced to drink clean water, not being allowed to work more than 48 hours per week and the presence of Bulgarian trawlers fishing for cod off the coast of Norfolk.
How are Blighty’s brave boys supposed to succeed if they’re prevented from glugging down litres of shit-infested water in order to keep them going during their fifth straight 12-hour training session?
Most importantly, Gareth Southgate has been promised an additional £350m will be made available in order to help with booking keynote-speakers and producing motivational videos.
Gareth Southgate is a charismatic tactical mastermind
Watch out, Jose, there’s a new sheriff in town, and he’s simply scintillating.
The great man’s milestones as a manager include leading Middlesbrough to relegation in 2009 and inspiring England u21 to finish bottom of the group in the first round of the 2015 European Championship. It’s no wonder so many people believe he’s the right man to lead this talented crop of Ryan Bertrands to glory in Russia in 2018.
He’s also known for his bubbly, no-holds-barred character. One journalist is believed to have noted off the record that, ‘Gareth makes Grace Jones look like a Tunbridge Wells librarian’. James Milner is purported to have described him as ‘moderately intriguing’ after the two spent a wild afternoon discussing carpet-samples in the Milton Keynes B & Q.
But don’t take our word for it. Witness for yourself:
Before I'd watched netball at elite level, I didn't realise the athleticism. To write an article relating it to obesity is irresponsible
— Gareth Southgate (@GarethSouthgate) May 24, 2014
They have the most reliable engine room since the Titanic
Some may point to the fact that Spain didn’t even bother to pick Juan Mata, Ander Herrera or Cesc Fabregas in their most recent squad. But the combination of 27-year-old Spurs reject Jake Livermore, Jordan ‘Kid Sideways’ Henderson and an out-of-position Dele Alli is where it’s at.
This tight-knit group played mighty Malta off the park last Friday, and it’s not unreasonable to suggest they could make up the 1-2-3 in this year’s Ballon d’Or voting.
By contrast, in France’s pathetic 0-0 stalemate with Luxembourg, they were forced to start with a triangle comprised of 2017 PFA Player of the Year N’golo Kante, the joint second-most expensive football of all-time, Paul Pogba, and 2016 European Championship Golden Boot Antoine Griezmann. #SAD.
Wayne Rooney has retired from international football
There were a few hairy moments recently when it looked as if Wazza might force his way back in, what with him actually managing to score a goal for the first time since the Cretaceous period.
Southgate even went so far as to attempt to call him into the squad for this round’s fixtures. Thankfully, Rooney did the right thing and stepped aside, tacitly acknowledging the fact he’s been absolutely atrocious for the past five or six years in an England shirt.
Fans across the land breathed a sigh of relief, glad that their team would be playing Harry Kane up top rather than a man who, these days, is about as dangerous in front of goal as a laundry basket.
They’re due one
By June 2018, it’ll be 52 years since England won, well, anything. The law of averages suggests it’s THEIR YEAR.
Winning tournaments has absolutely nothing to do with having the best players or the best coach. It’s all about gut feeling and a trust in fate, meaning that if Barry from Billericay REALLY believes it’s about time that football ‘came home’, so shall it be.
If everyone just gets behind the team, there’s no stopping them. All Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Phil Jones need in order to suddenly become top-class players is a bit of backing from the public. There’s literally nothing else holding them back.