Dear Stan: The inside story of how Arsenal missed out on Thomas Lemar

London, 29 August 2017

Dear Stan,

I whatsapped you, but you still ain’t callin’.

I asked for two fullbacks and a striker back in autumn, but you must not’ve got ’em, as I’m currently being torn a new one on Twitter.

There probably was a connection issue with my phone or somethin’. Sometimes I send a message and the little wheely thing never changes to a double tick.

But anyways, f*ck it, what’s been up, man? How’s Josh?

Has he made any progress with those contract renewal talks with Alexis Sanchez?

I hear that you’re both looking for the funds to make it happen.

I know you probably hear this every day, but we really need to improve the squad. I got a room full of Elnenys and Xhakas, man. I like them but we really need Lemar, his shit is phat.

Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back, just to chat.

Truly yours, your biggest fan,

this is Arsène.

London, 30 August 2017

Dear Stan,

You still ain’t called or wrote. I hope you have a chance to look into that thing with Lemar that I mentioned.

I ain’t mad, I just think it’s f*cked up you don’t answer to the fans. If you didn’t want to talk to me outside the Emirates, you didn’t have to but you could’ve signed a cheque for that bid for Eric Djemba-Djemba.

He’s a decent backup DM, man. He’s only 36 years old. We waited in the blisterin’ cold for you. For four hours, and you just said no. That’s pretty shitty, man, you’re like the only one who can sign off on these deals.

I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like being lied to.

Remember when we met in Denver? You said if I’d write you, you’d buy a right-back.

See, I’m just like you in a way; I never want to spend money if I don’t have to. I can relate to your frugal business policies. Sometimes I even play as myself on Football Manager and only make Bosman transfers in order to build up a huge kitty that I’ll never use.

Steve Bould’s jealous ‘cause I talk about you 24/7. But he don’t know you like I know you, Stan, no one does. He don’t know what it was like for people like us growin’ up in a climate of fiscal responsibility.

You gotta call me, man.

Sincerely yours,

Arsène

Paris, 31 August 2017

Dear Mr. I’m-Too-Good-to-Call-or-Write-My-Managers,

This’ll be the last transfer demand I ever send your ass. It’s been three days and still no word – I don’t deserve it?

I know you got my last two whatsapps. I saw the little ticks go blue.

So this is my ultimatum I’m sending you, I hope you hear it. I’m in Paris right now, I’m doing commentary for Eurosport on the France v Netherlands match.

Hey, Stan, Lemar’s literally 100m away from me, you dare me to make a formal bid for him?

Now it’s too late, there’s only six hours left in the window, I’m drowsy. And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call confirming that I was good to go with the bid.

You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep. And you dream about it. And when you dream I hope you can’t sleep and you scream about it. I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breathe without regretting not getting this talented young attacking midfielder to put pen to paper.

See, Stan – shut up, Steve! I’m tryin’ to write.

Hey, Stan, that’s Steve Bould DMing me something about a £92m offer. But I’m thinking about just blocking him across all social media platforms.

Well, gotta go, I’m almost in the commentary box now.

Denver, 31 August 2017

Dear Arsène,

I meant to write you sooner, but I just been busy.

I’m sorry I didn’t see you at the last Premier League fixture I attended, I must’ve missed you. Don’t think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you.

But what’s this shit you said about Eric Djemba-Djemba? Come on, how f*cked up is you?

You got some issues, Arsène, I think you need some counselin’. To help your ass from bouncin’ off the walls when I tell you I’m not giving you £2m to bring in Willy Caballero on a free.

And what’s this shit about a £46m acquisition of some French centre-forward I’ve never heard of?

That type of shit’ll make me not want us to continue our quid-pro-quo relationship of me not sacking you so long as you keep the club on a sound financial footing.

I really think you and Bouldy need each other. Or maybe you just need to give him more responsibility both on the training ground and in terms of tactical input.

But Arsène, why are you so mad?

Try to understand that I do want you as a manager. I just don’t want you to do some crazy shit like offering mad money for an unproven teenager.

I seen this one shit on the news a couple minutes ago that made me sick. Some dude was drunk and faxed over a £92m offer for Thomas Lemar to AS Monaco without consulting his boss.

Come to think about it, his name was… it was you, damn!

I need to get something over ASAP to Dmitry Rybolovlev claiming there’s not enough time left in the window.