Ah yes, Deadline Day, the nation’s favourite biannual extravaganza of #ITK bullshit, purple dildos and self-important Scottish men wearing garish yellow ties.
It’s a joyous day of besuited stooges standing forlornly outside empty stadiums, lonely teenagers plotting an elaborate series of transfer rumour Tweets in order to garner the attention they so desperately crave, and balding middle-aged men hanging around regional airports hoping to catch a glimpse of Ivan Rakitic emerging from the arrivals lounge to hop into a Toyota Corolla driven by Ian Parry.
At the end of which we’re left with nothing but a semi-crippled Kim Kallstrom standing in a lay-by wondering why a crowd of angry Arsenal fans are throwing half-and-half scarfs at him.
Still, it’s not all bad. The whole theatrical shambles that is #DeadlineDay has led to the creation of a unique and ever-expanding patois.
Here’s our glossary of the language’s most need-to-know terms.
An absolute must for anyone wanting to get a grip on #DeadlineDay terminology.
Often used by major media outlets to, as it were, ‘break’ the news of developing transfer stories, the term has now spread to the Bedroom Brigade of ITK warriors, who believe it will lend weight to their claims that James Milner is about to sign a four year deal with Yeovil Town.
— indykaila News (@indykaila) August 31, 2017
Sadly, it won’t. But there’s no harm in trying, after all.
In recent times, it has also been used ironically by those wishing to poke gentle fun at these basement-dwelling tragics:
— Rob (@Swinwillwin) August 31, 2017
Another old favourite. Primarily used by sheepish-looking Sky Sports presenters as their producer shouts frantically in their ear that No, Fabinho Has Not Signed For Villa Like You Just Said, He’s On a Train to Madrid.
Has also recently become a staple of the ITK Legion of Doom.
In fairness to this ungodly horde of mouthbreathers, they’ve learned how to study Twitter, Instagram and other social media platforms for hidden clues and algorithms that may suggest A MOVE IS ON.
Typically, the sequence of events involved sees a random Parisien taxi-driver announce to his 24 followers that he’s just driven Thomas Lemar to Orly and overheard the Frenchman talking about Madame Tussauds.
An ITK boffin then picks this up via his purpose-built, finely tuned Tweetdeck add-on and posts out something like the below:
I'm hearing reports lemar may now go to arsenal #TransferDeadineDay
— IM_DAN-LFC (@22_Dan_) August 31, 2017
Basically just ‘hearing reports’ polished up by media outlets to be broadcast out to a wider audience.
A scoop reporter – usually Kaveh Solhekol – will receive a text from the cousin of a mate of the dinnerlady at Anfield tipping him off that Virgil Van Dijk’s asked for a personalised bowl to be used for all his pre-match meals. The reporter will then forward that on to his social media manager back at HQ, who will release the below:
— Sky Sports News (@SkySportsNews) August 31, 2017
It’s also quite astonishing how often ‘Sky Sources’ simply turns out to be Bryan Swanson flicking madly through Trends for You on Twitter and churning out whatever name/move appears to be the most talked about.
The Expectation Is/Our Understanding Is…
Normally, this one is trotted out when a reporter is fairly certain that the Twitterverse is correct in its assumption that, say, Dani Alves is about to go on loan at Swindon, but is too afraid to put his reputation on the line by actually saying it’s a…
The joyous, orgasmic phrase employed when an enthusiastic reporter or #ITK sees that a footballer has actually completed a move from one football club to another football club.
Sometimes produces a moment of panic when they realise they must delete their previous four Tweets claiming that the DEAL IS OFF!
For all those involved in the delay, DONE DEAL! is usually the culmination of hours worth of fervoured hashtagging, instagram-stalking and serious investigative work: the end-goal.
It’s all happening
It’s all happening!
Orestis Karnezis is on his way from Udine to London to complete a sensational season-long loan move to Watford!
Accrington have signed Sunderland goalkeeper Max Stryjek and Derby defender Farrend Rawson on loan!
Yes indeed, it’s all happening!
Time is Running Out/This Will Go Down to the Wire
Employed in order to keep you watching Sky Sports News and to spread the illusion that anything interesting might actually happen.
On average, Jim White and Natalie Sawyer will say either of these phrases approximately 56 times each on Deadline Day. This is in order to minimise the risk of you simply getting bored and changing the channel, thus meaning you won’t be there to watch the five minutes of adverts they broadcast each quarter-hour.
If the whole charade is to be a success, these desperately mugging presenters need to keep you glued to your screen right up until the moment the transfer window…
One doesn’t simply lower the transfer window to a gentle close.