Give us what we crave – the Deadline Day theme park!

Roll up! Roll up! It's time for the transfer ride of your life...

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Deadline Day is upon us once again, with the transfer window poised to slam shut at 11pm, hopefully without trapping and killing any players within its iron frame as it does (don’t worry, kids – it isn’t an actual window).

The bi-annual buying binge is one of the most exhilarating times of the year and I’ve hatched a plan which I’m hoping the boss men at Paddy Power are going to get right behind… a theme park solely devoted to the joys of Deadline Day.

Filled with high-octane thrill rides and interactive experiences for all the family, now EVERY day can be Transfer Deadline Day (except Christmas Day and Good Friday, when it’ll be closed)

Based loosely on Noel Edmonds’ doomed Crinkley Bottom theme park, this place will either be shit or brilliant and will either rake in millions or be abandoned by March.

Here’s a few plans that I scratched out on the back of a fag packet in the pub last night…

The Deadline Day Thrill Ride

Climb into a carriage that is shaped like a fax machine and whizz through a ride that will stimulate all of your senses as well as one or two that you didn’t even know you had. The fax machine will spin, twist and loop around a track that passes through…

  • A motorway service station car park where an agent and a player are making frantic phone calls in an attempt to force through a move behind the player’s club’s back…
  • Inside the giant, cavernous head of Jim White – you’ll hear his voice boom out catchphrases such as ‘that’s a done deal’ and ‘only seven hours and fifty one minutes to go!’ And is his throbbing brain REALLY bright yellow just like his tie? Yes – yes it is!
  • Harry Redknapps’ car window. Your fax machine carriage will slow to a halt alongside Harry’s car, whereupon he will wind down his window and claim to have no plans to do any more business today, while five mobile phones flash and buzz on the passenger seat beside him.

THE OX MONEY ROOM

  • Funseekers enter a room populated by scores of waxwork dummies of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. In the middle of the room is £71,200,000 in replica £10 notes – that’s the £40m transfer fee plus the wages he can expect to earn on a five-year £120k-a-week contract after leaving Arsenal.
  • Climb inside the tank and thrash around in all all the money as the eyes of the waxwork Oxlade-Chamberlains glow red and the mouths begin to cackle. Projected on to the wall at the side of the room is a looping two-minute piece of footage of The Ox’s greatest moments as a player.
  • Due to the space constraints required for the tank, only 100 people will be allowed in it at any one time.

THE SKY SPORTS REPORTER EXPERIENCE

Have YOU got what it takes to be a Sky Sports reporter, feeding back half-baked speculation from outside a Premier League ground? Now’s your chance to find out!

You’ll be given a microphone and asked to read some vague speculation from an auto-cue while a gang of half-drunk, half-high teens leer in the background, culminating in one of them prodding your ear with a purple dildo like that time at Everton. You can take home a video of your efforts for just £39.99.

THE ODEMWINGIE RIDE

  • Another super-fast ride – now you can become former West Brom striker Peter Odemwingie and recreate his mad dash to leave The Hawthorns and become a QPR player back in 2013 (no, really – this happened only FOUR YEARS AGO).
  • In one of those slightly dull but not potentially fatal 3D rides that move about a lot but don’t actually go anywhere, you’ll become Odemwingie, weaving through the M6 traffic at 150mph as you aim to get to Loftus Road before the deadline closes.
  • In an added twist, once you arrive at the QPR stadium and are unable to get in, a clown will appear and squirt water in your face from a novelty flower that he is wearing on his lapel.

That’s the Deadline Day theme park for you, and if you’ve got any more suggestions for rides, please leave them in the comments below – together we can make this dream become a beautiful reality, and it’ll cost us less than half a Danny Drinkwater…

Jump on board the transfer deadline ride with odds on PaddyPower.com

What do you think?