It’s our unfortunate duty to inform the public that one of London’s finest commercial institutions has been the victim of a heinous and brutal crime.
On Tuesday, at some time around 11.30pm, the Arsenal Club Shop was, as the Americans say, well and truly burglarized. Sad, sad news for all concerned.
A statement from the Met Police revealed the full extent of the tragedy: “Officers attended and found that the front of the Arsenal FC store had been broken into and a large quantity of merchandise had been stolen. The suspects made off in a car and two mopeds.”
Yes, it appears as if Arsenal’s porous defence has been breached once again by a high-speed smash-and-grab.
The criminal masterminds involved are thought to have made off with upwards of £25 worth of, among other things, custom-made Europa League polo-shirts and DIY A4-Sign Kits, which police believe they will attempt to fence on the Asian dark web for a five-figure sum.
Investigations are ongoing, but Paddy Sources within the Met have given us the inside scope on who the prime suspects are.
Don’t be fooled by the loveable exterior. This mean green shagging machine has the striking power of a coked-up Bournemouth steward and the ruthless brutality of Big Sam skipping the queue in a Skegness chippy.
The ‘wino dino’ has a criminal record as long as an Olivier Giroud goal-drought, stretching back to his early teens during the Cretaceous period when he was banged up in a juvenile detention centre for banging up a brontosaurus.
More blemishes appeared on his rap-sheet throughout the Wenger era, including the armed robbery of a cash-and-carry velcro store outside Slough and the infamous 2011 kidnapping of Chirpy Cockerel with the intent to ransom him for a packet of black Airwaves and five grams of ketamine.
In recent years, Saurus’ behaviour has declined even further.
Among other things, he’s been pictured outside Faces nightclub on several occasions vomiting into wheelie-bins, storm-drains and, once, a limited-edition Michael Kors handbag belonging to Perrie Edwards from Little Mix. Rumours have long abounded of his involvement in the black market half-and-half scarf trade, making this dangerous criminal our prime suspect.
Abu Dhabi United Group
Not content with attempting to buy every player who has ever signed a contract with Arsenal, Man City’s Emirati overlords are said to be intent on muscling in on the Gunners’ share of the highly lucrative novelty mug market. The purchase of Samir Nasri is considered to have been their first power-play in that regard.
With badge-branded drinking vessels going for as much as £55,000 on the murkier parts of the Tor network, ADUG have long aimed to become the name in dark web ceramics. It has been theorised that in order to do so, they would first need to down the current kingpin, a shady figure known only as ‘Dench 69’. This spectre is believed to operate from an underground labyrinth beneath the Emirates, which can only be accessed via the club shop.
Detectives investigating Tuesday’s burglary refused to confirm whether they were pursuing a line of enquiry that might reveal the incident was a failed attempt to chase Dench 69 from his lair.
Alexis Sanchez and Diego Costa
Such is Sanchez’s desperation to escape from his money-encrusted hell at the Emirates that he may be willing to force Her Majesty’s Government into deporting him. Police are looking into the theory that he could have enlisted the assistance of another wantaway London-based millionaire, Diego Costa.
A number of weeks ago, Costa claimed he was being ‘treated like a criminal’ by Chelsea: was this simply a sly, OJ Simpson-style public admission of guilt?
Certainly, it would be no surprise if the Brazilian got on board with Sanchez’s plot, as he too would benefit from a deportation.
Watch out over the coming weeks for a confess-all exposé on Jeremy Kyle where the duo come clean and subsequently hand themselves over to the fuzz. We may see that famous Alexis smirk emerge as their inevitable moves abroad are confirmed in the aftermath of a HMG order for them to depart Blighty.
The Arsenal FanTV Regulars
As we all know, Arsenal FanTV offers a laid-back and balanced view of goings-on in-and-around the Emirates, blud. The Youtube channel’s erudite and softly-spoken regular contributors are among the greatest football minds of our generation, holding forth with incisive and cunningly constructed arguments about the future of the club, fam.
However, in recent times the normally pacific nature of the regulars has turned ever-so-slightly sour, blud. Much of the ire has been focused on Arsenal’s failure to meet the standard aim of qualification for and subsequent elimination from the Champions League first knockout round, due to the team participating in the Europa League, fam.
Rumours that Troopz, Claude and Robbie were spotted hanging around a Vespa dealership off the Tottenham Court Road on Tuesday evening are yet to be confirmed.
But it’s worth keeping an eye on whether this trio suddenly appear on FanTV wearing the latest keeper’s away-kit or add the new ‘Wenger Loves xG’ mug to the staff cupboard at their workplaces.
Similarly, if a ritual burning of several boxes of those minging Europa League polos occurs live on FanTV, well… you know who’s guilty.