Andy Dawson’s 10 Things We Learned From Football This Weekend…

Number of talking points – 10; number of punches pulled – 0.


Arsene Wenger is a complete idiot

Not just for yesterday’s team selection at Liverpool and the way he set his clueless rabble out, but because all of this pain is so needless.

He could have walked away from the Gunners in the summer as a hero, albeit one with a record that was a bit tainted at the end. Right now, he could be sipping a coffee somewhere on the French Riviera, gathering his thoughts ahead of his next bit of easy-but-lucrative punditry.

But no – he’ll be spending the week trying (and failing) to hang on to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. You see, Arsene knows best, and he genuinely believes that he’s still got what it takes to take Arsenal right back to the very top again, in spite of every shred of evidence screaming the contrary.

This almost feels like Brian Clough’s final, relegation season at Nottingham Forest, only without the smell of stale whisky.

As we learned with the new Taylor Swift single a few days ago and Donald Trump over the past couple of decades, it’s a bad, bad sign when you’ve got no one around you who will tell you ‘no’.

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Alexis Sanchez needs selling, now

Hey Arsene, never mind all this noble shite about holding the Chilean to the remainder of his contract and getting the best out of him, bang him out of the Emirates ASAP and try to invest whatever you can get for him in rebuilding the Arsenal team.

And I mean rebuilding, because it is completely and utterly toxic right now.

The dressing room has been lost and having surly Sanchez around, along with the negativity he’s been exuding for the past year, isn’t going to help things one little bit.

Wenger could do with Gary Neville in the dressing room

Are any of these Arsenal chumps even getting a bollocking for their useless start to the season?

They’ll probably be too busy on the phone to their agents, angling for a move to play back Sky’s coverage of yesterday’s debacle, but here’s some of Neville’s best comments for them…

“I’m absolutely fuming watching them.”

“Xhaka has just tried to backheel the ball to his goalkeeper in the six yard box. Try to put words to that if you can.”

“Three or four of these Arsenal players want to leave… Who wants to buy them?”

“I’d stick them all up on the transfer list.”

Manchester United are going to win the league!

The glory days are back! As Mourinho’s boys eased past yet another sub-par opposition to go two points clear at the top of the table, SURELY this is the year when the ghost of Fergie is banished and the Red Devils reclaim their place as the dominant force in English football.

Liverpool are going to win the league!

The glory days are back! As Klopp’s boys eased past yet another sub-par opposition to go within touching distance of the top of the table, SURELY this is the year when the past 25 years of frustration are banished and the Reds reclaim their place as the dominant force in English football.

Shut up, Dawson – No one has got any idea who will win the league!

Cast your mind back eleven months or so. According to the pundits Pep’s City were nailed on to stroll to Premier League glory after winning each of their first six matches.

Meanwhile, at Stamford Bridge, betting was suspended by some bookies on Antonio Conte getting the sack.

And who finished 15 points ahead of who when it was all over?

The season has just started and no one knows anything – beware of the hot air.

The Spurs-Wembley thing is becoming pretty funny now

The season has just started and no one knows anything. But… *twirls imaginary moustache* …a man could make a lot of money betting against Spurs winning a home match between now and Christmas. Just saying…

There’s nothing wrong with speculating about managers losing their jobs already

Slaven Bilic has carried over a lot of nagging doubts from last season and is showing no signs of improving things (although starting the season with three away games doesn’t help much).

Then there’s Frank De Boer, who has the look of a man who has accidentally fallen for one of those phone calls where you get asked if you were in a car accident that wasn’t your fault, and he doesn’t know what the hell is going on as a result.

Meanwhile, is Rafa Benitez quietly waiting for a call from the West Ham bosses, having done his bit at the weekend?

That thing at Bournemouth was a threat to national security

What a disgusting display of passion from the City players and fans as they snatched all three points in the 97th minute. Never mind VAR, the authorities need to bring in a system so that any player who leaves the field other than to take a throw in or corner is immediately electrocuted. That’ll sort it.

No one wants the international break

No one. The Premier League season is just getting going, Huddersfield are in the top three and the transfer window is slamming shut in a few days’ time.

We’re all drunk as hell on domestic drama and that’s the way we’d like it to stay for now, thanks.

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What do you think?