I know what you’re thinking: this lad’s been at the discounted own-brand Lidl tequila again.
And you’d be right. But that doesn’t mean I’ve lost sight of reality.
Liverpool need to sell Philippe Coutinho, and they need to sell him quick.
If they don’t, they’ll only end up regretting not capitalising on the market interest for this overhyped, overpriced skill-pixie.
Here’s why they should pack him off to Barcelona at the earliest possible opportunity.
He’s quite small
As we all know and accept, Manchester United are vastly superior to Liverpool in almost every single way.
By extension, this means that Jose Mourinho must also have significantly more knowledge of the game than that shouty, toothy, Vauxhall-flogging German fraudster, Jurgen Klopp.
As proven by the Special One, the quickest way to success is to mould a dull, defensive outfit based around three banks of 6-foot-2 bodybuilders and have those gigantic specimens punt the ball towards goal as hard as they can manage.
ManUnited have spent almost £300m on transfers since José Mourinho arrived but they're still relying on long balls to Fellaini as a tactics
— ALI (@TheBeardedRaul) August 8, 2017
And, well, Coutinho simply doesn’t cut it in that regard.
Klopp can waffle on about gegenpressing as much as he wants, but if winning trophies is the aim he’ll need to start cutting out the vertically challenged chaff and replacing them with men who don’t need help getting the pesto off the top shelf of the cupboard.
How can Lazar Markovic thrive with Coutinho ahead of him in the pecking order?
Liverpool paid £20m for Markovic, but only £8.5m for Coutinho.
This makes the Serb almost 2.5 times better than the Brazilian.
And yet the lush-headed wing wizard is cruelly being kept out of the side by a man who couldn’t even make it in Serie A.
Poor Lazar even had to go out on loan to Hull in order to get a game. That is a fate no man should have to endure, particularly one so magisterially gifted as Markovic.
Quite simply, it boggles the mind as to why the Bespectacled One continues to leave him out. The only conclusion that can be drawn is that Coutinho’s agent has Klopp’s ear, while the earnest Lazar has the integrity not to push himself too hard.
Still, once Coutinho is out of the way, Markovic can push Liverpool to another level – perhaps even to the heady heights of 3rd-place in the Premier League and a Champions League 2nd Knockout round.
The extra funds will allow Liverpool to build a new stadium. In London.
This just makes absolute sense. After all, the majority of their fans are from the capital, so those long commutes will be a thing of the past.
Being based in London is apparently a huge draw when it comes to attracting players to the Premier League. So, although I can’t for the life of me see why that would be the case, that will be an added benefit.
It may even serve as a great opportunity for FSG to finally carry out their aim of “franchising” the club.
“London Red Birds” has a great ring to it, and could well help spread the brand to emerging markets such as Kazakhstan and Yemen.
With an extra £120m in the bank, Liverpool can just go and sign Lionel Messi
There’s absolutely no reason I can think of as to why this wouldn’t be something that the club could pull off.
Liverpool is a big club with a glorious history. All the best players in the world want to go there. Ragnar Klavan and Alberto Moreno are proof of that.
So why not just get rid of the mediocre little Brazilian in order to replace him with Messi. I know I said earlier that Coutinho was too small, but it’s different with the Argentinian phenom: I truly believe he’s quite good at football despite his lack of size.
Anyway, Messi and Liverpool are a perfect fit. The city’s rive-gauche atmosphere, picturesque landscape and easy access to the Isle of Man via ferry (taxes, eh?) will offer a heartening change from the beaches and tapas-bars of Barcelona.
Coutinho means “Little Couto” in Portuguese, and Fernando Couto was shit
Ok, so the shaggy-haired centre-back won over a 100 caps for Portugal. But, I mean, apart from winning three Portuguese titles, a La Liga, a Serie A and two UEFA Super Cups, what did he ever do?
He never played in the Premier League, so by definition he can’t be much good. I’m fairly sure that, if it came down to it, he wouldn’t be able to do it on a cold Tuesday night away to a physical Staffordshire side.
And if Philippe is only a “Coutinho”, what does that say about him?
Maybe he’d make a decent centre-half, but he clearly doesn’t have the agility or technique to thrive up front.
Time to get rid, and fast!