When we saw the below Tweet from hard-hitting investigative journalist Kaveh Solhekol, it set us thinking.
More Seads than Garys in the Premier League next season
— Kaveh Solhekol (@SkyKaveh) August 7, 2017
Clearly, good old British values are under attack from a legion of pesky Seads and Francescos sent to the UK to undermine the solid, stiff-upper-lippyness of our hard-working Harrys, Bradleys and Ashleys.
We realised that this situation could not be allowed to stand. Blighty’s traditional first-names simply must be defended.
Control, as we believe the saying goes, must be taken back.
And so we resolved to have a quick scan through the list of Premier League squads in order to record the statistics and submit an online petition to Her Majesty’s Government. Hopefully, once we’d gathered evidence of this foreign name-invasion, action could be taken.
However, we were pleased to find that, contrary to reports, the naming customs of this green and pleasant land have not yet surrendered to the machinations of Jonathan Étranger.
After literally minutes of extensive research, we’re pleased to announce that the top five Premier League first names are as below:
1. Daniel/Danny/Dan – 12
A wonderful British name. The occasional Daniele has slipped under the radar in recent times, but it’s heart-warming to see the likes of Danny Welbeck holding firm for the UK.
2. James/Jamie – 11
Ah yes, another wonderful British name. Jolly old Jimmy Stewart produced the best version of the Bible back in the 17th century, and it’s lovely to see his legacy surviving to this day.
3. Thomas/Tommy/Tom – 10
Yet another example of a wonderful British name. So good they named a gun after it.
4. Benjamin/Ben – 9
Again, we feel this is a wonderful British name. We haven’t quite recovered from foreign impostor Tal Ben-Haim appropriating it during the 2000s, but how magnificent it is to see brave boys like Ben Davies reclaiming it on behalf of HRH.
5. Matthew/Matt – 8
I almost hesitate to point it out, but what a wonderful British name this is. We always feel a good solid Matt makes a nice contrast to glossy foreign alternatives like Matteo or Mathieu, so it’s thoroughly encouraging to see them thrive.
= Stephen/Steven/Steve – 8
Perhaps the most wonderful British name of them all. Football in the UK simply wouldn’t be football without a legion of Steves doing the business up and down the land. How gratifying it is to see these Steves in their element in 2017/18.