It’s been a bad end to the season for Arsenal supporters as the club has crashed out of contention in the league before being picked apart (twice) by Bayern Munich in the Champions League. Stress levels have been cranked up on boss Arsene Wenger, who is facing pressure from all sides of the Arsenal fanbase, most prominently via the weekly freak-show more commonly known as “Arsenal Fan TV”.
The unlikely gang of wrong ‘uns on Arsenal TV are now familiar to millions as their incomprehensible weekly post-match rants are broadcast around the world through the medium of YouTube:
- There’s Troopz, the one who says “blud” every nine seconds,
- Ty, the lad who looks like he’s spent his life savings in the Arsenal Club shop
- Claude, the miserable old git
- Heavy D, a rotund man in his
sixtiesfifties(?) with bleached blonde hair, who resembles a thumb
- Bully, the one who looks like a shit pirate
These lads are all interviewed by the main man, Robbie Lyle who keeps things ticking along by asking a quick question before ducking out of the way and watching the show unfold.
Well here at Paddy Power, we’ve recently discovered that there’s more to front man Robbie than meets the eye – he too has a given a few dodgy performances in his past. Let’s rewind to 1990 when Robbie, performing under the alias “Crucial Robbie” released the album “Crucial View”. A hugely forgettable 8-track reggae album, featuring the tracks: Mobile Phone, Dem Green, Mandela Free, Hire Purchase, Afraid to Kick Up, Axe the Poll, Proud to be Black, Pirate ‘pon Dry Land.
Track 1 – Mobile Phone
Robbie opens up with a harrowing riposte to phone ownership in the 90’s, featuring the following lyrics:
Not of all them have their mobile in their hand,
Some have it in their car, some have it in their van.
They wait till they drive in a big traffic jam,
Then pick up the phone and pretend to talk to someone.
Me saw a boy the other week in a G-Reg Nissan,
I saw him drive past with a phone in his hand.
He drove into the back of an ice cream van,
And end up critical, me say in a hospital.
Shit the bed! A Nissan crashing into an Ice Cream van. One of the greatest opening tracks to any album ever.
Track 2 – Green
Robbie turns his attention to Margret Thatcher, Neil Kinnock and George Bush, and criticises people who boast about their “green” environmental credentials. Key lyrics:
Me want for the youth to grow up healthy and strong.
With nuf, nuf respect for the whole nation.
Nuf Nuf respect to you too, Robbie!
Track 3 – Mandela Free
Hear diss! Mandela Free Free Free, Mandela Free!
Now I remember the day when Mandela was finally set free,
It was an important day in the black history.
Me sat down in my house and I watched my TV,
Me and my girl by the name of Sandra D.
I wonder what Sandra D is up to these days. I’m guessing probably not hanging around outside football stadiums on Saturday afternoons looking for passers by to interview for her YouTube channel.
Track 4 – Hire Purchase
This one is about the perils of getting into debt by buying too many new items on credit cards. It’s actually sound financial advice from the Arsenal Fan TV man.
No Barclaycard, No Access,
No Visa, No American Express.
Cut up dem things, won’t end up a penny less,
Mash up your life and make your life a mess.
If the YouTube gig ever goes tits up, there’s clearly a job waiting for Robbie in financial services.
Track 5 – Afraid to Kick Up
Robbie gets on to a subject we now know to be close to his heart – football. However on this track Robbie is imploring the kids not to turn to violence on the terraces. He recounts the tale of getting cornered at Finsbury Park station by a group of Chelsea and Tottenham fans, resulting him fleeing the scene “quicker than Linford Christie”. This one is actually a stone cold banger.
Out of hand, the football fan out of hand.
Out of hand, the football fan out of hand.
Football scarves around their necks and a knife in their hands!
Whether their team wins or not, they couldn’t give a damn!
As long as they lick down the opposition,
Whether Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham or West Ham,
Millwall, Man United, Liverpool Everton.
Any song which mentions David Rocastle is sound, as far as I’m concerned.
Track 6 – Axe the Poll
This is a song all about the Poll Tax (ask your Mum). This one is shite, to be honest.
Poll tax not fair, Poll tax not fair.
This is Crucial Robbie, I’m not no politician,
Me not mix up myself in politics fiction.
I’m not no Labour, no Tory or no Liberal,
I am a mic MC at the microphone stand.
Track 7 – Proud to be black
Dedicated to all the black people in the world who are proud to be black!
Mike Tyson make make proud to be black
Lloyd Honeyghan make proud to be black
Muhammad Ali make proud to be black
John Barnes make proud to be black
Witney Houston make proud to be black
The actor Bill Crosby make proud to be black
Errr. He might want to rethink those lyrics about Bill Cosby if Robbie plans a re-release.
Track 8 – Pirate ‘pon Dry Land
A solid end to the album, a track all about Pirate Radio stations.
Some of dem pirates good, and some of dem pirates bad,
Some of them DJs talk too much and it really gets me mad.
Some of them sound amateur, some of them sound professional,
Some of them transmit weak, some of them transmit strong.
That’s enough of that. You can listen to the full album below!