Ah, here it is. That time of the year when you’re forced to buy a present for someone you barely know, or you know well and simply don’t like. Suppose you’ve been lumbered with the Office Bellend in secret Santa, or you’re desperately trying to find a present for your brother-in-law…
We’ve got you covered. In fact, we have trawled the length and breadth of the internet, into the darkest corners of the club shop world to find you the shittest gifts of all. Enjoy.
Whenever my dog is in the park and relieves itself, I always get the sensation that she would love me to pick it up with a Blackburn Rovers branded bag. Not sure why, it’s just the look in her eyes. Anyway. For just four measly pounds you could be giving a loved one the gift of a Rovers sh*t bag carrier. What a year.
Got an ex-girlfriend whose Dad is a Tottenham fan? Get him one of these. It’s the perfect way to add insult to injury after Monaco put an end to Spurs’ European dream. Besides, it’s in the sale. Leave the original tag on, he’ll never even know. There’s matching scarves and mugs for interested parties, too.
A real diamond amongst the rough here lads, a bobblehead of Millwall’s chairman, John Berylson. Not really sure what on earth you would do with this one. Maybe get a few club’s chairmen as bobbleheads and stage a hooligan fight on your desk at work. Like Green Street, but with plastic figurines. Or not…
Just what your Dad has always wanted… No, seriously. The Villarreal official store has a bright yellow male thong especially for your viewing pleasure. Exactly what you need for an afternoon on Morecambe beach.
— Cristiano Ronaldo (@Cristiano) December 12, 2016
Given the official title of “The Official Blanket of CR7 Fandemoinum”, this has got to be the sexiest and most narcissistic blanket of all time. But, surely it’s worth it to sit on your sofa and drip Super Noodle juice onto the face of one of the World’s greatest ‘ballers? (It’s actually only $99 for the one of his face.) It’s the most expensive and luxury item of the lot, so make sure you only buy this for the best of the best.
This has secret Santa written all over it. Do you work with a Liverpool fan who you would secretly like to ostracize from the company? This is the prezzie for you. You’d see the lad with this mug making a brew and do an immediate heel spin out of the back door.
There’s also the “Be Like Jurgen” mug, which is equally as dismal and could make a perfect His ‘n’ Hers set.
This is definitely one for your grandparents. Because who actually even buys garden gnomes anymore? This little bloke is a little pricey at 20 notes, but he’s the ideal accessory for any outdoor space.
You could buy this pack of tattoos for a family that you particularly hate. They’re like those ones you used to have as a kid that you put on the top of your arm using a wet sponge. These would perfectly complement a pair of knee-length England flag shorts, a tin of Stella Artois and some sunburn.
Your Christmas dinner turkey is going to taste exactly like Carlos Tevez this year. He may be uncertain of his Boca Juniors future, but the sweet taste of his roasted turkey will long live on.
This set is complete with a steak knife, a sharp-looking fork and some sort of screwdriver I would imagine is for insertion into your meat of choice. Alongside that, you get a football pitch chopping board and a very handy corduroy case.
Know someone who buys half-and-half scarves? Who FaceTime’s their Mrs whilst sat in Old Trafford? Who practices their dabbing technique in front of the mirror? This is the ideal gift for them. They will love it.
Selfie sticks may be banned at Old Trafford, but that doesn’t stop them from making use of this little beauty from their armchair.