A new scientific study has found that Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson Becker could save Southampton from relegation.
It follows the Brazilian stopper’s man-of-the-match performance during last night’s Champions League clash against Paris Saint Germain in which the 32-year-old made a record-breaking nine saves.
Liverpool were on the ropes for the majority of the game at the Parc des Princes but Alisson’s heroics helped the Anfield outfit earn a 1-0 victory.
After the game, the Institute of Ridiculous Studies examined Alisson’s performance and concluded the former Roma keeper could, amongst other things, save Premier League strugglers Southampton from relegation.
The research also discovered that 2024/25 Southampton are the sh*ttest team to grace the Premier League since the Derby County side of 2007/08.
‘Our studies show that Alisson could save pretty much anything’, chief analyst Dr Drew Peacock told Paddy Power News.
That’s just funny, really pic.twitter.com/SYL5DCfImb
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) March 5, 2025
‘He could singlehandedly prevent the Saints from dropping into the Championship.
‘With Alisson in goal, they could amass 33 points from their final 11 games to send Wolves down.
‘The data also shows us the Titanic would have reached New York if Alisson had been a sea captain in 1912.
‘Further tests revealed JFK would be alive and well today if he’d been a US Secret Service Agent in 1963.
‘Our studies also showed that Alisson could have saved the dinosaurs from extinction; Mufasa from those stampeding wildebeest and even Kayne West’s career’.
When asked if there was anything Alisson couldn’t save, Dr Peacock said:
‘Manchester United. They are f***ed’.
In related news, the Paris Police confirmed they’ve charged Liverpool boss Arne Slot with daylight robbery following last night’s smash and grab victory.
‘Officers were called to the Parc des Princes last night after reports of a robbery’.
‘We can confirm a 46-year-old bald Dutch fella is helping police with their enquiries’.
*Paddy Power News’s footy news is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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