Manchester City have re-signed 90s favourite Shaun Goater as Pep Guardiola’s side drop into the Champions League relegation zone.
The Etihad outfit face failing to qualify from the Champions League league phase after squandering a 2-0 lead to lose 4-2 against fellow sportswashers Paris Saint-Germain last night.
City, a perennial yo-yo club before their 2008 takeover, are turning to familiar faces from their relegation-battling past to keep their European hopes alive.
Number one on the club’s list of targets was 54-year-old Bermudian striker Goater who was City’s top goalscorer for four consecutive seasons during a spell in which they were relegated three times.
‘If we feed the Goat a balanced and varied mix of proteins, carbohydrates, and good fats, he will score’, Guardiola told Paddy Power News.
‘Oasis are together again, cargo pants are in fashion, City are in a relegation battle. The 90s are well and truly back my friend.
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – NOVEMBER 25: Pep Guardiola, Manager of Manchester City speaks to the press during the UEFA Champions League 2024/25 League Phase MD5 training and press conference at Manchester City Football Academy on November 25, 2024 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)
‘Shaun will fit into our system which requires a big gangly striker who doesn’t look like he can play football but can score a sh*t load of goals’, added the Spaniard, while scratching himself a new scalp.
Meanwhile, City confirmed they remain in talks with several other former players from their banter era, including: goalkeeper Nicky Weaver; Australian hardman Danny Tiatto and Erling Haaland’s dad.
‘Alfie will bring a wealth of experience to the squad and provide us with options when we’re looking to field a second Dolph Lundgren lookalike’, Pep revealed.
In related news, the Met Office has confirmed that Storm Éowyn was caused by the collective laughter of rival fans when the final whistle blew at the Parc des Princes last night.
Forecasters are warning of hurricane force winds generated by hilarious claims that City ‘are back’.
‘I guess beating Salford and Ipswich doesn’t mean you’re back. Expect gusts of 90mph’, a Met spokesperson told Paddy Power News.
*Paddy Power News’s footy news is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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