Manchester United have appointed former Prime Minister Liz Truss as their new Sporting Director following the sacking of Dan Ashworth.
It ends United’s lengthy pursuit of the former Foreign Secretary with the Old Trafford outfit paying the Conservative Party £3m in compensation.
Truss managed to fend off a last-minute bid from a wilting iceberg lettuce to land the role.
Ashworth will return to his favourite hobby of gardening after five months in the job which cost United about 15 grand per day.
‘I am delighted to become United’s new Sporting Director’, Truss told Paddy Power News.
‘I recognise though, after watching that shower of s***e on Saturday night, I cannot deliver the mandate on which I was elected by INEOS.
‘I have therefore spoken to Sir Jim Ratcliffe to notify him that I am resigning as Sporting Director with immediate effect.
‘This rotting vegetable will fill the role on an interim basis until a new Sporting Director can be found’, she concluded, while holding aloft a decaying lettuce.
The debacle has triggered protests outside Old Trafford where United fans held aloft green and gold scarves and chanted ‘Glazers In’.
‘We want Glazers in, say we want Glazers in’ sang the crowd, as stewards did their best to stop them from entering the stadium.
One protestor told Paddy Power News:
‘Bring back the Glazers. Bring back Ed Woodward. Bring back Richard Arnold, David Moyes, Ten Hag, Fred, Fellaini, Alexis f***ing Sanchez and his piano while you’re at it. INEOS are the worst thing to happen to United since Wout Weghorst’.
Meanwhile, INEOS have released a statement regarding the Sporting Director situation saying:
‘He wanted to bring in Gareth Southgate which was deemed as gross negligence by the board’.
‘In order to fund Dan’s severance package, we’ll be increasing ticket prices to 100 quid and making Fred the Red redundant.
*Paddy Power News’s footy news is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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