Premier League champions Manchester City have been sensationally demoted to the Northern Counties East League Premier Division after Premier League officials discovered a dodgy Amazon Firestick at the Etihad Stadium.
The league said it had no choice but to move swiftly and decisively to punish such a breach of Premier League protocols given the damage a club flagrantly flouting rules and conventions could do to the image of the world’s most popular football league.
“Some might say it’s draconian,” a Premier League statement read announcing the unprecedented punishment, “but the integrity of the Premier League product is paramount.”
“That’s why we’ll have a decision on the other 115 charges Manchester City are facing some time in early 2032.”
The Firestick in question was discovered earlier this week under piles of documents outlining league Profit and Sustainability rules, many of which had been scrawled with offensive language – “loada b*llocks”, “can you believes this sh*te?!?!”, “F**K OFF M8” and so on – as well as crude drawings of spurting penises and dog turds complete with stink waves and buzzing flies.
The English top-flight has made it a priority to clampdown on the use of Firesticks and Android boxes to access all Premier League games being broadcast around the world while they twiddled their thumbs for fifteen years as the now-seven-time league champions circumvented financial rules.
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – MAY 20: Manchester City supporters celebrate their side winning the Premier League title with a cardboard cutout of Josep ‘Pep’ Guardiola, manager of Manchester City, wearing a Viking-themed helmet featuring the name of Erling Haaland following Arsenal’s 1-0 loss away at Nottingham Forest, at Etihad Stadim on May 20, 2023 in Manchester, England. (Photo by James Gill – Danehouse/Getty Images)
“Everyone will agree that it’s more important to lock up shifty geezers selling hacked streams rather than tackling widescale cheating that calls into question decades of top-tier football titles and results,” they claimed.
The statement went on to explain why copyright piracy is anything but a “victimless crime” and needed to be dealt with severely in all instances.
“Illegal streaming of games is a serious violation of intellectual property rights and undermines the rights of our members to make it as difficult and expensive as possible to actually watch your team play,” the league explained.
“The Premier League’s broadcast partners offer a suite of the most select games at the most reasonable price points possible while still allowing Premier League clubs to p*ss money up a wall every summer on some lad who’ll be on-loan at Roma or Inter in 18 months.”
While fans might complain about the cost of paying for multiple TV providers showing games as well as the cost of tickets, the league was keen to point out that some supporters welcome the restrictions and cost of following their club.
“Many groups of fans – those of Manchester United, for example – have often contacted the league office to thank us for not broadcasting their latest home defeat to relegation fodder.”
Though the consequences for City of the ruling are set to be catastrophic, with reports of helicopters departing from the roof of the Etihad as desperate players grasp at the landing gear in a bid to get to the Saudi Pro League as quickly as possible.
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