Breaking News: Man United FINALLY sack manager

Following weeks of speculation about the future of their manager, Manchester United have parted ways with Sir Alex Ferguson.

INEOS, who are responsible for football operations at the club since completing the purchase of a 27.7% stake earlier this year, made the decision following United’s poor start to the season.

United sources stressed that Ferguson will always remain welcome at Old Trafford to give television cameras someone to zoom in on during heavy home defeats.

Everyone expected the club to dispense with the services of current boss Erik ten Hag during the international break after the Dutchman broke his own record of United’s worst start to a Premier League season.

However, INEOS decided the best course of action was to sack their 82-year-old ambassador who brought unprecedented success to the club during a 26-year trophy laden spell as manager.

ARSENAL’S MANGER WENGER AND MANCHESTER UNITED’S FERGUSON SHAKE HANDS BEFORE THEIR FA CUP SEMI FINAL MATCH IN BIRMINGHAM. Arsenal’s French manger Arsene Wenger (L) and Manchester United’s manager Sir Alex Ferguson smile and shake hands before their FA Cup semi-final match at Villa Park in Birmingham April 3, 2004. NO ONLINE/INTERNET USE WITHOUT A LICENCE FROM THE FOOTBALL DATA CO LTD. FOR LICENCE ENQUIRIES PLEASE TELEPHONE +44 207 298 1656 REUTERS/Simon Bellis

The move is part of INEOS’ strategic review at Old Trafford which includes further plans to rename Sir Matt Busby Way ‘Joel Glazer Boulevard’ and replace mascot Fred the Red with giant liver bird called ‘Larry’.

‘Sacking arguably the club’s most iconic figure is all part of the plan’, a United source told Paddy Power News.

‘During the meetings in Manchester and London it was discussed in detail why the team’s performances have been so bad this season.

‘And INEOS believe Micky van de Ven would never have been able to run through the entire United XI unchallenged if Sir Alex wasn’t in the stands’.

MONTE-CARLO, MONACO – MAY 28: Ineos CEO Sir Jim Ratcliffe is seen during the F1 Grand Prix of Monaco at Circuit de Monaco on May 28, 2023 in Monte-Carlo, Monaco. (Photo by Eric Alonso/Getty Images)

However, after it emerged United were severing ties with the legendary Scot, former Red Eric Cantona was spotted outside Old Trafford carrying a big bag sh*t.

Eyewitnesses claim they heard a deafening Gallic roar before the Frenchman appeared dragging a huge bag full of manure.

‘When the seagulls follow the trawler. It’s because they think INEOS will be thrown into my big bag of sh*t’, Cantona told stunned onlookers.