Under-fire Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag arrived for showdown talks with the club’s hierarchy with a trophy under each arm, Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal.
The Dutchman was summoned to a meeting with the INEOS administration to discuss United’s wretched start to the season amid growing uncertainty over his job.
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A reliable source claims the bullish United boss burst into the meeting mid-session while clutching the League and FA Cup trophies.
‘Schtick thisch in your pipe and schmoke it’, Ten Hag is alleged to have told new owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe.
It’s understood the 54-year-old former Ajax coach spent the remainder of the meeting with the FA Cup resting on top of his bald head and refusing to answer any questions about United’s abysmal form.
Whilst some including Sir Dave Brailsford and Dan Ashworth were impressed by Ten Hag’s ability to balance the trophy on his head for a prolonged period, the INEOS administration is said to be set on sacking him during the international break.
‘Thomas Tuchel is our man’, source close to Dan Ashworth told Paddy Power News.
‘Interviewing Thomas is the summer, rejecting him, extending Erik’s contract and allowing him to spend another £200m on players, then sacking him three months into the season and hiring Thomas was all part of our detailed strategic review.
‘As was spending another £100m on central defenders only to play a 36-year-old who originally joined the club last summer to train and regain his fitness’.
Last season, Erik ten Hag equalled the record for the fewest points Manchester United had won after seven Premier League games (9).
This season he has beaten it (8). 😬 pic.twitter.com/gsuEER8Mab
— Squawka (@Squawka) October 6, 2024
Meanwhile, Tuchel has responded to the rumours linking him with the Old Trafford hot seat.
‘I am retiring from football management with immediate effect’, said the German during an interview from an undisclosed location.
‘Although it has always been an ambition of mine to work with Jonny Evans, I feel the time is right to go and hide in a cave somewhere until all this Man United nonsense goes away.
‘I’d like to wish United all the best in their efforts to find anyone willing to destroy their career by becoming their manager. Tschüss’.
*Paddy Power News’s footy news is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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