Chelsea’s radical approach to transfer activity continues to shake up the Premier League with their launch of a two-for-one offer on players before the transfer window shuts.
With discontent bubbling over among the club’s extensive playing staff, ownership group Clearlake Capital have sanctioned yet another revolutionary change to transfer business-as-usual on the part of the London club.
In a bid to head off further statements from dozens of disappointed Blues after Raheem Sterling publicly rebuked manager Enzo Maresca and the club before Sunday’s 2-0 loss to Man City, the Stamford Bridge side will seek to sell twice as many players as they’ve signed this summer before the transfer deadline.
“Look, it’s no secret that these guys are still learning about the ‘soccer’ world,” a source within the club explained, “though there’s still some shock that they thought you needed an NFL roster to compete.”
While it’s not ideal preparation for the new season, head coach Maresca is said to be relieved at the latest developments.
Chelsea manager Enzo Maresca waves before a preseason friendly
“At least he won’t have to keep coming up with ice-breaker activities and handing out ‘hi, my name is…’ stickers every training session,” we were told.
News of the imminent transfer clear-out was broken to the squad this morning by Chelsea chief Todd Boehly through a megaphone so members of the squad standing in the hallways of Cobham, the carpark, and on the road outside the training complex could hear.
“Great practice guys! Just dropping in to say I’m pumped to see all the rings our great roster can win this season in the Premiere League playoffs, wooh!” a Chelsea source reported the American investor as saying during his unexpected address.
“Amazing grit yesterday against the Manchester Citizens – we’re doing everything we can to make passing the ball to your opponent count as 0.25 of a goal from next season, and as soon as it does we’ll be shoo-ins for the Super Soccer Champions Trophy!”
“Unfortunately, some of you guys aren’t going to to enjoy the great successes ahead as part of Team Chelsea, yeah?”
“So, with that in mind, and multiple points deductions looming if some of you don’t clear off, you are all for sale and we’ll accept any offer that arrives. We’ll even do two-for-ones if anyone will take you guys.”
“Now, although we won’t be able to sell everyone I want to, we have deals in place for a lot of you. Big Rom, you’re out. Ben is out. Raheem, you’re gone.
“Conor, I like your hustle. That’s why it’s been so hard to sell you.”
“Congratulations, the rest of you made the team. Except you, you and you.”
The decision comes after facilities for the Chelsea under-23s side were stretched to capacity in recent weeks as numerous first team members were demoted to the Premier League 2 squad.
“The police have assigned a road traffic unit to the under-23s just to manage traffic around training,” a coach of the Chelsea reserves said.
“Still, we should be nailed-on for the Champions League 2 – that is a competition, right?”
Chelsea take on Servette in the UEFA Europa Conference League this week hoping to defy claims they couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag by smashing a pile of napkins into oblivion.
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