Following England’s defeat to Spain in the Euro 2024 final, reports have reached us that the collective unclenching of buttocks across Ireland, Scotland and Wales has registered as the equivalent of moderately sized earthquake.
David Oyarzabal’s 86th-minute winner appeared to trigger a series of shockwaves across the UK and Ireland as those willing an England loss reacted to the game’s closing events according to scientists at the British Geographical Institute
They noted a surge in tectonic activity around 9:43pm last night followed by several more spikes as monitoring showed a seismic event registering 6.4 on the Richter scale at its peak, approximately around the time the referee blew the final whistle.
“We can only conclude that these unusual rumblings were triggered by the general sense of relief felt by those not in England at having avoided decades of reminders about a 2024 Three Lions victory,” Dr Shaya Kee-Grownd of the monitoring body said when asked about the extraordinary earth movements.
.”The fact that these movements centered around Dublin, Cardiff, Glasgow and Edinburgh suggests that it has more to do with England’s result rather than molten rock beneath the earth’s crust.
“To put it in scientific terms, people were absolutely f***ing bricking it.”
Indeed, plumbers across the countries have reportedly been inundated with desperate calls for help this morning following the game and subsequent release of tension.
Meanwhile, the football associations of each country are expected to invite the Spanish team to celebrate with their fans following the victory.
“It might seem like they should be straight back to Madrid to parade the trophy, but there was no more passionate support for La Roja than in Glasgow last night”, a source with the SFA told us.
“It’s only natural that the fans here want to celebrate with their heroes.
“Especially as Scotland were so pish.”
“We’ll put up a statue of Nico Williams here, and maybe even rename the ground after the manager,” they said
While the Scottish National Party have dropped their plan for a second independence referendum, instead proposing that Scotland secede from the United Kingdom and join Spain as a new province instead.
And new Ireland manager Heimir Hallgrímsson is said to be keen to capitalise on the passion and popularity of the Spanish side among football fans in his newly adopted homeland.
“He can’t believe the excitement at England not winning,” we were told by a source. “We’re already looking into changing the home kit to red.”
“He’s also keen to pursue anyone who might’ve been in a group of approximately 20 or more Spanish students in the streets of any large Irish town or city talking very fast and generally getting in the way in the last 20 years or so, as we hope they might consider switching allegiance to Ireland as the new gaffer puts together his squad.”
“And if they’re not interested he’ll ask them to sit in his dentist’s chair til they agree to play for us,” we were told.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second.
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