It has been confirmed by a source from within the Etihad Stadium that Everton Football Club has been removed from a WhatsApp group created by Manchester City surrounding their legal challenge of Premier League financial rules.
Having spotted Everton in the list of chat participants, reports suggest City chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak was heard shouting “what the f*ck are they doing in here?” before promptly removing the Toffees and muttering “cheeky b*stards” through tears of laughter.
ISTANBUL, TURKEY – JUNE 10: Manchester City chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak celebrates with manager Pep Guardiola and the trophy after the UEFA Champions League 2022/23 final match between FC Internazionale and Manchester City FC at Ataturk Olympic Stadium on June 10, 2023 in Istanbul, Turkey. (Photo by Visionhaus/Getty Images)
Our source described how he City decision-maker justified their removal to the other group members.
“This chat was created for clubs who could dominate football for the next 50 years – us, Newcastle, who can drill a few more oil wells whenever they need a new striker, and Chelsea, who are able to pull cash out of their a*se somehow.
“Everton are nowhere near our level yet – come back when you’ve struck oil in Liverpool docks,” which was followed by seven cry-laughing emojis.
He then went on to explain the need for the rules challenge.
“For too long, the Premier League has stifled competition, resulting in us, a pack of cheating sods, winning six of the last seven league titles – it’s time others were allowed to cheat too!”
“Right on!” Chelsea supremo Todd Boehly chimed in. “And bring in penalty shootouts to decide draws, seven ad-break time-out in each half and maybe add a third goal to the field that doubles your score if you net one in it during the Infinite Athlete Power 15 too!” he continued.
“What the hell Everton were doing in here anyway?” Newcastle head Yasir Al-Rumayyan asked after their exit. “They haven’t a pot to p*ss in and won’t have a centre-forward to to trip over and find Row Z while trying to throw it out the window when they have to sell DCL – to us, probably – for pennies in the summer.”
“We’ll chuck in a packet of crisps and a crate of brown ale for Jarred Branthwaite too lol” he suggested.
However, the expulsion was met with some anger and confusion on the part of the Chelsea chief when he saw Everton had been booted out.
“Why you kicking out the blue guys @SheikhM?!” he asked before it was explained that Everton and Chelsea, despite both playing in the same colour shirts, are in fact different clubs.
“You British guys with your ‘football’, I’ll never understand it!” he joked (possibly?) afterwards.
“If the Evertons want to make some cash they should re-brand as the Liverpool Reds to distinguish themselves from our franshise,” Boehly added, to which Al-Mubarak replied with a facepalm emoji.
However, it’s not all bad news for the Toffees, as Paddy Power News has been informed that they were immediately added to Nottingham Forest’s chat for clubs against points deductions,
“It’s a little bit Z-list in comparison, kind of like watching Celebrity Jungle, but it’s nice to be invited” a Goodison Park source said.
“We’d be more positive about it if it didn’t solely consist of Angelos Marinakis posting increasingly unhinged conspiracy theories about VAR and Luton – right now he’s saying Stuart Atwell faked the moon landing.”
Meanwhile, with the wheels firmly in motion for City and their supporters to challenge the Premier League’s financial rules, high level security has been added to the Premier League headquarters following a warning from central intelligence that Roberto Mancini, Edin Dzeko and Yaya Toure are expected to chain themselves to the outside railings of the building in a protest of support for their former club and keep their medals.
The trio are understood to have set up an activist group called Just Stop Regulating posted on social media platforms that they will sit on the M6 if it means City being allowed to spend billions on transfer fees and salaries.
Newcastle will also have protest representation in the form of Alan Shearer, who is expected to stand on a box to deliver a rousing speech on how choosing to sign for the Geordies over Man United was a good career choice, and John Terry is expected to arrive in a full Chelsea kit with a replica Champions League trophy to ensure his former club receives his backing.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second.
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