Described as one of the worst ever Manchester United sides by pundits and with a defence leakier than the Old Trafford roof, it is easy to understand why the end of season awards event has been cancelled by the club’s hierarchy.
What is there to celebrate anyway? Being more than 30 points behind Arsenal and Man City, letting the opposition have over 600 shots against them, a number only beaten by relegation fodder Luton and Sheffield United, or having spent the best part of £200m on new players who wouldn’t even get in the Kings Arms reserves side on a Sunday afternoon.
Still, there was a plan to give out some awards, so Paddy Power News has got a copy of the mooted award winners…
The Phil Jones Memorial “Is He Still F**king Here?!” award: Anthony Martial
Martial could have been sold in every transfer window since 2018, yet somehow, has made it to 10 years playing for United. Having not been seen since December most assumed he had joined Sevilla. Nope, he’s still here.
SEVILLA, SPAIN – APRIL 20: Anthony Martial of Manchester United during the UEFA Europa League match between Sevilla v Manchester United at the Estadio Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan on April 20, 2023 in Sevilla Spain (Photo by Soccrates/Getty Images)
The Rolling A Stone Up A Hill award: Sir Jim Ratcliffe and Sir David Brailsford
The new leadership team wins this award for showing courage, bravery, and stupidity in taking on the huge task of turning things around at Manchester United. Do they begin with changes to the management, the players, the facilities or staff in the office? Is it a 5, 10 or 20-year project? Sisyphus might had it easier. Good luck, lads.
The Premier League Goalkeepers’ Choice Man United Forward of the Season: Rasmus Hojlund
According to Sky Sports, there are 46 Premier League strikers who have played over 950 minutes of football this season. Of those 46 strikers, which one has had the least shots at goal? The winner is £70m striker Rasmus Hojlund. Being bottom of that list is a remarkable achievement, and one that’s been acknowledged by the goalkeepers of 19 other Premier League sides.
The Gary Neville v West Brom “it’s time to retire” performance of the season: Casemiro v Crystal Palace
Arguably United’s most valuable player and Wembley hero in 2022/23, the Brazilian international has become slow, poor in possession and tired looking. Does he still want to be playing for the club? Definitely not, and the Palace game was his nadir.
SEVILLE, SPAIN – MARCH 16: Casemiro of Manchester United looks on during the UEFA Europa League round of 16 leg two match between Real Betis and Manchester United at Estadio Benito Villamarin on March 16, 2023 in Seville, Spain. (Photo by Jonathan Moscrop/Getty Images)
Tripadvisor Family Waterpark of the year 2024: Row S, Block J, Sir Bobby Charlton Stand
A newcomer in the category, this award goes to that special part of the stadium that provides a scenic and beautiful waterfall view, offering fans thrills, spills and a few seconds of relief from the monstrosity on the pitch.
Old Trafford Golden Gloves 2024: Andre Onana
Onana has absolutely clattered three players this season, earning him this prestigious award. What he lacks in the goalkeeping area he makes up for in boxing, MMA and WWE. Ask Kalajdzic, Kilman or Zeki if any of them would like to face him in the ring and I’m sure they’d run a mile.
The who signed you?!? award: Antony
£82m is a staggering fee for a player who looks like they won a competition on the back of a cereal box to play football with professionals for an afternoon.
The Visit Saudi Arabia (For £750,000-a-week) award, in association with Cristiano Ronaldo: Bruno Fernandes
The club captain and talisman has made up his mind according to reports and will be leaving United after the FA Cup final. Will he go out with a bang or a whimper? Either way, there is a big pay day with his name on it over in the middle east, and who can blame him? Al-Ittihad probably play at a higher level than United these days anyway.
The sicknote award: Mason Mount
Quality for Chelsea, quality for England, Mount appeared to be a shrewd signing for ten Hag. Sadly for the player and club, he has been injured for 99.8% of his time at United. In the 0.2% of playing time he has received; the manager had no idea what to do with him. Apparently, he has a genuine doctor’s note to cover his absence.
The Soon-To-Be Appearing On the Back of a Milk Carton Award: Tyrell Malacia
Hotly contested between the eventual winner, Casemiro’s legs, Marcus Rashford’s goals, Erik ten Hag’s tactical acumen and the United midfield collectively, Malacia gets the award for disappearing into the void that is Carrington’s physio room never to return, apparently.
The “This is Manchester United we are talking about” award: Every television pundit
In the unlikely event anyone forgot who they were watching, TV viewers have been subjected to the line “this is Manchester United” enough times that the labrador on the settee barks it every time he sees a red shirt. It’s said as if defeats shouldn’t happen, but it isn’t the 90s anymore – their last league title came over 10 years ago and the reality is the club has been overtaken on and off the pitch by all their rivals.
Change the record.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second.
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