Harry Kane is eyeing a move to Scottish Premiership champions Celtic after Bayern Munich’s 3-0 loss to Bundesliga title rivals Bayer Leverkusen. Bayern fell five points behind Leverkusen in the race for the title which threatens to end their dominance in German football.
Kane joined the Bundesliga champions in the summer hoping to end his own personal trophy drought but Saturday night’s defeat leaves Bayern facing their first trophyless season since 1754.
Now, with Bayern’s title hopes in tatters, the England skipper has instructed his representatives to engineer a move to perennial Scottish champions Celtic.
‘I’ve enjoyed my time at Bayern but it’s time to move to an even shitter one-horse title race in Scotland’, Kane told Paddy Power News.
‘Sure, playing in front of 75,000 people at the Allianz Arena is great but it’s nothing compared to bagging a double-hattrick at Livingston on a cold Wednesday night’.
‘Obviously Eric Dier will be joining me at Celtic Park. He’s been working really hard on his Glaswegian accent and everything. I’m sure his post-match interviews will be something special’.
However, upon hearing the news, Hoops boss Brendan Rodgers has instructed the club to issue a cease-and-desist letter to the striker.
‘I think Harry is a wonderful human and beautiful character but he f**k right off the jinxing b*****d’, Rodgers told Paddy Power News.
‘He would score 100 goals a season in the SPL and we’d still finish 3rd behind Rangers and St Mirren’.
Meanwhile, following Bayern’s defeat to Xabi Alonso’s title hopefuls, president Herbert Hainer has decided to change the club’s name.
‘From this day forth, well shall be known as the Spursy Mannschaft’ Hainer told Paddy Power News.
’50 squillion years of Bayern dominance. Then we sign Kane and Dier and bottle the Bundesliga like prime Poch Tottenham’.
‘F**k it. I’m slapping in a £80m bid for Harry Winks’.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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