Volatile car mechanic Phil Mitchell is in line for a sporting director’s role at Manchester United should Sir Jim Ratcliffe purchase a 25% stake in the club.
Mitchell, a 63-year-old career criminal, will be placed in charge of ‘wheeling and dealing’ in the transfer market if Ratcliffe’s takeover is successful.
The news was welcomed by residents of Albert Square in Walford whom hardman Mitchell has terrorised since 1990.
‘You wot?’, asked Mitchell, when informed by Paddy Power News of United’s interest.
‘I’ve been beaten up by my brother, shot by ex-girlfriend and I have Ian Beale as a stepson.
‘Now you want me to work for Manchester United? Don’t you fink I’ve suffered enough, bruv?’
Sources claim Mitchell topped a list of candidates including the ghost of Nick Cotton and the Albert Square dog Wellard, though others have suggested they meant to bring in Paul Mitchell, former Monaco, Spurs, Leipzig and Southampton transfer guru, instead.
Meanwhile, Sheikh Jassim has announced he’ll be having his photograph taken for only the second time in his life following the withdrawal of his bid for United.
Sheikh Jassim's withdrawal from the #MUFC process is total. He is 100% out. It was made clear to those running to the process that his offer is no longer valid even if the Glazers change their mind or don't proceed with Sir Jim Ratcliffe.🇶🇦 pic.twitter.com/HLUyuB7J1l
— Ben Jacobs (@JacobsBen) October 16, 2023
The Qatari businessman ended his interest in the club on Saturday after the Glazers turned down a fresh approach from Jassim’s representatives.
In a desperate bid to cheer himself up, Jassim arranged a photoshoot at his palace hoping to add to the single photograph of him which currently exists.
‘This is one of me being natural. This is one of me smouldering. This is one of me throwing a dart at a picture of Joel Glazer’s head’, the Sheik told Paddy Power News, while shuffling through the photos.
‘They could have had Mbappe and a state-of-the-art £2 billion stadium’.
‘Instead, they chose a second Wout Weghorst loan spell and a leaky roof’, he wept.
In related news, a Salford man has listed 20,000 Qatar flags for sale on Facebook Marketplace following Saturday’s developments.
’20,000 Qatar flags for sale. Never used’, read the ad.
‘All offers will be properly considered – unlike those Glazer b******s. Willing to swap for 20,000 Norwich City scarves’.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?
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