Newcastle United have launched an audacious bid to buy the Earth’s atmospheric conditions after adverse weather delayed the Magpie’s flight to Italy ahead of their Champions League Group F opener with AC Milan at the San Siro.
As a result, manager Eddie Howe’s pre-match press conference didn’t start until two hours after the originally scheduled time breaching a UEFA regulation.
Newcastle are expected to only receive a warning from UEFA given the delay was out of their control but club chairman Yasir Al-Rumayyan is keen to avoid a repeat of the incident by buying the weather.
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The Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia (PIF), of which Al-Rumayyan is managing director, is prepared to offer $500 squillion for the atmosphere’s services.
“With the weather on the payroll, we can ensure the sun is always shining on Newcastle upon Tyne,” Al-Rumayyan told Paddy Power News.
“Conversely, we will make sure it is p*ssing down with rain in Sunderland 365 days a year.
“As opposed to the 320 it currently rains.”
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In the wake of the delay, UEFA reaffirmed its position which states pre-match press conferences must take place between 12pm and 8pm local time on the day before the game.
UEFA president Aleksander Čeferin told Paddy Power News: “UEFA takes its time schedules very seriously.
“We were willing to look the other way about the FFP breaches, sportswashing and even Jason Tindall – but not for lateness. Not on my watch.
“A life-threatening thunderstorm is no excuse to be late for a press conference.
“Journalists were mildly inconvenienced and some bottles of water set out for Mr Howe and Mr Tonali turned to room temperature during the delay.”
“But I have received reassurances from Mr Al-Rumayyan it will never happen again,” grinned Čeferin while stuffing a bulging brown envelope into his inside pocket.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?
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