Newcastle United to buy the weather after UEFA warning for rain delay to Milan flight

Could be their best signing yet.


Newcastle United have launched an audacious bid to buy the Earth’s atmospheric conditions after adverse weather delayed the Magpie’s flight to Italy ahead of their Champions League Group F opener with AC Milan at the San Siro.

As a result, manager Eddie Howe’s pre-match press conference didn’t start until two hours after the originally scheduled time breaching a UEFA regulation.

Newcastle are expected to only receive a warning from UEFA given the delay was out of their control but club chairman Yasir Al-Rumayyan is keen to avoid a repeat of the incident by buying the weather.

The Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia (PIF), of which Al-Rumayyan is managing director, is prepared to offer $500 squillion for the atmosphere’s services.

“With the weather on the payroll, we can ensure the sun is always shining on Newcastle upon Tyne,” Al-Rumayyan told Paddy Power News.

“Conversely, we will make sure it is p*ssing down with rain in Sunderland 365 days a year.

“As opposed to the 320 it currently rains.”

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In the wake of the delay, UEFA reaffirmed its position which states pre-match press conferences must take place between 12pm and 8pm local time on the day before the game.

UEFA president Aleksander Čeferin told Paddy Power News: “UEFA takes its time schedules very seriously.

“We were willing to look the other way about the FFP breaches, sportswashing and even Jason Tindall – but not for lateness. Not on my watch.

“A life-threatening thunderstorm is no excuse to be late for a press conference.

“Journalists were mildly inconvenienced and some bottles of water set out for Mr Howe and Mr Tonali turned to room temperature during the delay.”

“But I have received reassurances from Mr Al-Rumayyan it will never happen again,” grinned Čeferin while stuffing a bulging brown envelope into his inside pocket.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?

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