Rumours coming from east-London have suggested scouts from West Ham are understood to be spending time in local parks with a view to finding the next emerging talent to replace Declan Rice, after months of rejected bids for established players.
Having been linked with the likes of Scott McTominay, Conor Gallagher and James Ward-Prowse over the course of the summer, the owners of the club are understood to have turned their attention to topless father of four, Dave, playing football with his kids, who demonstrated “real potential” when doing seven keepy-ups, leaving a number of supporters worried about the season ahead.
“According to social media, our owners have invested the Rice money in other things, such as a chain of pie and mash restaurants and a full refurbishment of the Queen Vic” said one bewildered fan, still out celebrating their Europa Conference League victory.
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“I haven’t been home for almost two months now and I think my wife has divorced me, but it has all been well worth it. Best night of my life. Best two months of my life but I am not happy about the Queen Vic getting a do-over ahead of our midfield.”
Paddy Power News understands there are pie and mash shops opening in Larnaca, Prague, Alkmaa and Ghent, prompting an unhappy response from West Ham podcast expert, Harry the Hammer.
“Is it just coincidence those shops are opening where we played our European away games last season?”
“I’d rather see us spunk £40m on McTominay than have our owners invest in these wild business ventures. There’s no way they will be eating pie, mash, and liquor down Nissi Beach in Cyprus” said Harry on his latest podcast.
Despite supporter unrest, sources close to West Ham have confirmed they are still in the market for new players to bolster the squad.
“It’s been a difficult summer. We’ve made bids for Mbappe, Hojlund, Bellingham and Havertz but not had any success.
“Now we are part of the European elite, those are the names we want to bring to the London Stadium, not f*cking Ward-Prowse.
“If we can’t land the players we want, the money will be spent on other things. I am sure it’s time for a new bubble machine” confirmed the West Ham source.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?
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