Bruno Fernandes celebrates United captaincy by whining at teammates

If you cut him he bleeds red, you know.

Bruno Fernandes Manchester United Man Utd


Newly appointed Manchester United captain Bruno Fernandes’ first act as skipper was to gather his teammates around and have a good whinge at them.

The Portuguese tore into United’s first team squad before throwing himself to the floor and clutching his face.

Sources claim the 28-year-old berated his teammates over a host of issues ranging from the cost of living to a burnt piece of toast he ate for breakfast.

Midway through the midfielder’s rant he was struck in the head by a passing fly which caused him to fall to the ground in theatrical fashion.

The former Sporting Lisbon star writhed around in apparent agony while clasping the opposite side of his head which the fly made contact with.

After failing to conjure up the attention he so desperately craved, Fernandes got back to his feet and carried on training as if nothing had happened.

Discussing the announcement with Paddy Power News, Fernandes said: ‘It’s a great honour to be given the captain’s armband, even if it is a bit too tight and has a tiny pluck in it.

‘I want to thank the manager for giving me this responsibility, even if he did interrupt my afternoon nap by ringing to tell me.

‘Now the hard work begins as we set off on our tour of the United States. I hope I get a window seat and there’s a greater selection of in-flight movies if they want a better TripAdvisor review than last time.

‘No f**king Jason Statham movies, please’, he added, while gesticulating wildly.

Meanwhile, United will take on Wrexham as part of their summer tour to the United States.

The match will take place at the Snapdragon Stadium, San Diego, and Wrexham owners Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney have included a host of Hollywood stars in their squad including Lock Stock actor Vinnie Jones.

‘It’s sad to think some people will only know Vinnie as a sh*t actor. It’s important to remember Vinnie was a sh*t footballer too’, said Reynolds.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?

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