Breaking: Man United make £100m Kane bid amid Bayern interest

Not that Kane lads


Manchester United have made an audacious £100M bid to sign professional wrestler Kane, it has emerged.

The Glazer family sent a United transfer delegation to the 7ft grappler’s Tennessee home after hearing Bayern Munich were interested in his signature.

A delegation including CEO Richard Arnold, mascot Fred the Red and X-Factor contestant Olly Murs arrived at the twelve-time tag team champion’s house to thrash out a deal with his longtime manager Paul Bearer.

Kane, of The Brothers of Destruction, makes his way to the ring during a tag team match as part of as part of the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) Crown Jewel pay-per-view at the King Saud University Stadium in Riyadh on November 2, 2018. (Photo by Fayez Nureldine / AFP) (Photo credit should read FAYEZ NURELDINE/AFP via Getty Images)

After hours of intense negotiations, and several failed attempts by Bearer to lock Fred the Red inside a casket, the impasse was finally broken and Kane agreed to join United on a lucrative 5-year deal.

‘Ever since I was little boy running around the family’s funeral home with my half-brother The Undertaker, it has always been my dream to play for Manchester Red Sox’, Kane told Paddy Power News with the aid of an electrolarynx.

‘I want to follow in the footsteps of other Americans who conquered English soccer, such as Clint Dempsey, Brad Friedel and Ted Lasso’.

Asked whether his client was ready to make the switch from pro wrestling to top level football, Bearer said: ‘Ooooh, yes’.

United announced the signing on their official website with a statement which read:

‘We are delighted to add WWE superstar Kane to our squad ahead of the new season’.

‘The manager has been on the lookout for a tall lad who can’t play football to fill the Wout Weghorst role’.

‘We hope this signing alleviates our fans fears that this would be another one of those transfer windows when the club would leave it until deadline day and then sign a 50-year-old striker on a free’.

Describing his new signing’s best attributes, United boss Erik Ten Hag added:

‘Kane is very effective in the press. Particularly the gorilla press’.

Erik ten Hag

‘And of course, he has great feet for a big man’.

In related news, United goalkeeper David De Gea was spotted thumping the club’s fax machine with a baseball bat as he awaits their new contract offer.

It’s understood to be the same piece of office equipment which denied him a move to Real Madrid, 5 Champions League winners medals and his Spain career.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.

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