Lucas Paqueta to open second hand car dealership in Albert Square

You can call him him a wheeler-dealer


Newly minted West Ham legend Lucas Paqueta has confirmed his rightful place among the most beloved Brazilians ever to set foot within earshot of the Bow Bells by confirming he plans to start wheeling and dealing secondhand motors in Albert Square.

The fleet-footed former Lyon star was said to be inspired by the love, passion and sound career advice dispensed by thousands of happy Hammers who partied in Prague on Wednesday night and Thursday morning following West Ham’s first trophy win since Dirty Den started beating up his school mates for their lunch money.

LONDON, ENGLAND – MAY 11: Lucas Paqueta of West Ham United during the UEFA Europa Conference League semi-final first leg match between West Ham United and AZ Alkmaar at London Stadium on May 11, 2023 in London, England. (Photo by Visionhaus/Getty Images)

‘”Just sold my car to Lucas Paqueta, just sold my car to Lucas Paqueta,” a source roared down the phone over and over when asked about the news.

Indeed, the 25-year-old is said to have come up with a complete and comprehensive marketing strategy in the hours since lifting the Europa Conference League title.

“Save a packet with Paqueta – this sh*t writes itself!” Paqueta told us when finally reached for comment this morning. “I’m dropping my all my endorsements and sponsorship deals and selling cars instead.”

And the claret-and-blue playmaker has become so enamoured with the east end of London that he has decided to locate it in the heart of the true cockney community – BBC television’s fictional enclave of Walford.

“Football has been my lifelong passion, but selling cars on Eastenders will allow me to connect with salt-of-the-earth east end folk on a really personal level,” he revealed.

“Plus, have you seen the margin I’m making on these old bangers? I’ll own every stall on the market in no time!”

And there are plenty of other experiences Paqueta is looking forward to in his new manor.

“Sure, it’ll be tough when the annual Christmas day orphanage burning takes place, but they’ve a fleet of new machines in the launderette, so swings and roundabouts,” he told us.

Bubbles fill the air ahead of the qualifying third round second leg Europa League football match between West Ham United and NK Domzale at the London Stadium in east London on August 4, 2016. West Ham are playing their first competitive match at their new home, the London 2012 Olympic Stadium, against Slovenia's NK Domzale in the third qualifying round of the Europa League. / AFP / Ian KINGTON (Photo credit should read IAN KINGTON/AFP via Getty Images)

“And if I play my cards right I could be guv’nor of the Queen Vic in a few years – Noble-y says we can run it with just trays of cans if the brewery kicks up.”

When we reached out for comment local businessman Phil Mitchell was non-committal.

“It’s great to have new business in the area but he better keep his hands off The Arches or I’ll stick Sonya’s trumpet where the sun don’t shine.”

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