Scientists Confirm Everton Would Survive Nuclear Fallout

Global catastrophe? Not exactly Bournemouth at Goodison on the final day, is it?


Scientists believe that Everton Football Club would likely survive a global nuclear war.

A recent study showed the Merseyside club would have the resilience to endure a nuclear apocalypse along with several other creatures including cockroaches and scorpions.

Goodison Park

It follows Everton’s annual celebration of Premier League survival after they beat Bournemouth 1-0 to escape relegation on the final day of the season.

Sean Dyche’s side spent a portion of the day in the bottom three before Abdoulaye Doucoure’s screamer guaranteed their topflight status.

It’s the third time during the Premier League era that Everton have survived relegation on the final day, leading scientists to study the club’s tolerance for radiation.

‘Studies show that Goodison Park would remain in pristine condition in an otherwise post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland’, one researcher told Paddy Power News.

‘Even if Goodison was the epicenter of a nuclear blast, all Everton players and staff would emerge unscathed’.

The scientists were particularly impressed by the resilience of Everton’s manager.

‘It was previously believed the parasitic braconidae wasp was the toughest animal currently living on earth’.

‘We now know that to be false after running some tests on Sean Dyche’.


‘We conclude that Sean Dyche is the most likely individual to lead a human resistance against the artificial superintelligence system which gained self-awareness and started the nuclear war in the first place’.

In other news, Lionel Messi is facing more disciplinary action after he was spotted at a Coldplay concert instead of attending the Ligue 1 awards.

‘It’s unforgiveable’, PSG boss Christophe Galtier told Paddy Power News.

‘I mean, how could anyone be a Coldplay fan?’.

‘They make bland and insipid music for a*seholes and Chris Martin looks like the love child of Hugh Laurie and Mark Zuckerberg’.

‘I would strip him of his 7 Ballon d’Or titles for buying a ticket to go and listen to that sh*te’.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.


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