The Premier League’s final two relegation spots will be decided by a ‘yard of wine’ drinking contest between Sam Allardyce, Sean Dyche and Dean Smith.
With the futures of Leeds, Everton and Leicester still hanging in the balance heading into the final round of fixtures, the three managers held a secret meeting during which they discussed the fairest way of deciding their club’s fates.
Everton boss Sean Dyche suggested that he, Allardyce and Smith should form a nocturnal club in where members engage in consensual fistfights but are not allowed to talk about it.
‘Rule number one. You do not talk about relegation dogfight club. Rule number two. You do not talk about relegation dogfight club’, Dyche told Paddy Power News.
‘I don’t want to die without any scars’, he said, while offering everyone around him a scrap in the car park.
However, the proposal was shot down by Leicester’s Dean Smith who felt at a severe physical disadvantage to the others.
Instead, the Foxes’ boss floated the idea of a chess tournament, but this was immediately rejected by Allardyce who didn’t know the rules and Dyche who’d never heard of it.
‘Sean said the only game he knew was pitch & toss and Big Sam wanted to play strip poker’, Dean told us.
‘I smelt a rat when Sam kept insisting on using his own deck of cards’, said the former Aston Villa boss.
Finally, Allardyce challenged both men to a drinking contest which they accepted with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
Talks temporarily stalled when the trio couldn’t agree on which tipple they’d be consuming in vast quantities.
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While Smith favoured crème de menthe, Dyche demanded they chug pints of Carling at his local boozer.
However, a compromise was reached when Allardyce suggested a ‘yard of wine’ drinking contest.
‘Bring on the Pinot, por favor’, cackled Big Sam, while polishing a Mr Santa Ponza 2022 yard-long glass.
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