Premier League Awards: Paddy Power’s end of season gongs

Time to hand out some silverware


Was there ever really a title race or were Man City toying with Arsenal? We will never truly know, but what we do know is Leicester have been abysmal, Frank Lampard must have friends in high places, and Gareth Southgate was right all along.

Welcome to the Paddy Power end of season awards…

I’m too good for this sh*t Award – Harry Kane

Kane basically scores every week whilst playing for a pub side. Surely now is the time he moves to a club that can offer some type of success.

AL KHOR, QATAR – DECEMBER 10: A dejected Harry Kane of England reacts after his team is knocked out of the World Cup during the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 quarter final match between England and France at Al Bayt Stadium on December 10, 2022 in Al Khor, Qatar. (Photo by James Williamson – AMA/Getty Images)

Told you so Award – Gareth Southgate

After refusing to play Trent Alexander Arnold at right-back, Southgate said the Liverpool player is better in midfield which enraged Jurgen Klopp. Two years on, Klopp is playing Trent in midfield. He’s too modest for a victory lap, but he definitely told you so.

Most powerful handshake – Antonio Conte & Thomas Tuchel

The most brutal handshake in history. It was as hardcore as 12 rounds with Tyson with lots of gripping, bending, pointing, and puffing out of chests, leading to several broken fingers and two sackings.

Facilities of the year – Chelsea

Imagine turning up on your first day at Chelsea and seeing 34 other new players arguing over who gets which peg to hang their kit on. Still, they have some lovely corridors and carparks to dump your gear bag.

LONDON, ENGLAND – APRIL 18: A general view inside Stamford Bridge Stadium is seen prior to the UEFA Champions League quarterfinal second leg match between Chelsea FC and Real Madrid at Stamford Bridge on April 18, 2023 in London, United Kingdom. (Photo by Gaspafotos/MB Media/Getty Images)

Short-a*se of the season – Lisandro Martinez

Martinez was told to go play for United’s under 9’s side after losing 4-0 at Brentford. Since then, the aggressive Argentine has proven himself to be one of the best defenders in the league and has gone on to win the Carabao Cup and World Cup.

I hope it was worth it Award – Frank Lampard

Watching Lampard manage a spiraling Chelsea side has been like watching a paper bag try to survive a monsoon. He’ll wish he’d said no to Todd Boehly.

Holidaymaker of the year – Casemiro

Casemiro served three suspensions in his first season at Man United, meaning he spent 11 games, or almost 30% of the Premier League campaign, on the beach. Nice work if you can get it.

Too soon Award – Richarlison

Having been 3-0 down, Richarlison scored a very late equaliser to make the game 3-3 and celebrated by removing his shirt, jumping into the crowd and doing a funny pigeon dance. Clearly he’d forgotten he now plays for Spurs as two minutes later Liverpool made it 4-3 and won the game.

Mikel Arteta Arsenal Rapid Vienna Europa League December 3, 2020

Most improved technical area observer – Mikel Arteta

This goes to the Arsenal boss for finally learning how to stay in his technical area. It only took seven months, two yellow cards and 50 conversations with the referee for him to understand.

BFF’s Award – Cristiano Ronaldo and Piers Morgan

Who remembers the time Piers Morgan interviewed Cristiano Ronaldo and he referred to them as friends while bragging about how many social media followers the Portuguese player has? I wonder if they still keep in touch.

The Len Goodman Commemorative “Seven!” trophy – Liverpool

In honour of Len Goodman’s famous “seven” on Strictly Come Dancing, this award goes to Liverpool for smashing said number past a dismal Manchester United inflicting their biggest ever Premier League defeat. “Seveeeen!”

The Paolo Di Canio “He’s lost his head” award – Aleksandar Mitrović

Talk about lose the plot. With Fulham leading away at Man United, the home side were awarded a penalty after Willian performed a volley spike on the goalline to prevent an equaliser and was red carded. Enter Mitrovic pushing the referee alongside his manager Marco Silva threatening the fourth official. Red cards and long suspensions all round.

David Moyes West Ham

R.E.S.P.E.C.T Award – David Moyes

With half of the West Ham fans calling for his head and many pundits suggesting his managerial style was outdated, Moyes has taken West Ham to a European final and avoided any relegation battle in the process. Time to put some respect on the Moyes name or Knollsy will be in touch.

Team of the season – Brighton

Even in defeat they still manage to entertain us to the max… 5-1 Everton anyone?

Most improved hairline – Rob Holding

The Arsenal centre-back obviously went in and said, “give me a Grealish please”, as he now sports a lovely alice band and some luscious locks. Holding has gone from looking like a middle-aged dad to a Love Island stud, though his football ability has unfortunately remained the same.

Player of the Season – Erling Haaland

Football’s answer to Ivan Drago was everything promised and more. Nailed on for topscorer next season to0.

Comeback of the year – TBC

Big Sam and Sean Dyche in a no-holds barred fight to the death on Sunday for this one…

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.


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