Man United to replace De Gea with cinder block for future penalties

Third choice keeper is an inanimate carbon rod


Manchester United will replace goalkeeper David De Gea with a cement brick for all future spot kicks they face boss Erik Ten Hag has confirmed.

It follows the Spaniard’s latest ill-fated attempt to save a penalty during last night’s 1-0 defeat at Brighton.

De Gea has faced 501,328 penalties since joining United in 2011 and saved only one of those which struck his trailing leg as he dove the wrong way.

And the 32-year-old was beaten yet again by Alexis Mac Allister’s 99th minute spot kick at the Amex Stadium prompting Ten Hag to make the switch.

‘Statistically speaking, it has a better penalty save rate than David’, the Dutchman told Paddy Power News while pointing at a building brick in the middle of the goal.

‘We took 100 penalties this morning. 50 against David and 50 against the block. All fifty whizzed past David but two struck the block’.

‘Weghorst took both of them’.

‘If it goes to penalties against City in the FA Cup final, David will come off just before the shootout and Steve (McClaren) will drop a cinder block on the goal line’.

Asked whether there was a plan B, the former Ajax boss revealed:

‘Yes, Luke Shaw. He proved last night how good his handling is’.

ARNHEM, NETHERLANDS – MAY 15: AFC Ajax Head Coach / Manager, Erik ten Hag looks on prior to the Dutch Eredivisie match between Vitesse and Ajax Amsterdam held at Gelredome on May 15, 2022 in Arnhem, Netherlands. (Photo by Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images)

‘We all watched the video of the game this morning. Well, we skipped the 2nd half because we didn’t touch the ball’.

All the players are calling the penalty incident the ‘Hand of Shaw’.

Meanwhile, a source within the United dressing room says the block has settled in well at the club.

‘Since day one Blocksy’s been brilliant’,  we were told. ‘He might not say much but he’s a very popular lad in the dressing room.

‘Blocksy’s added that little bit of grit we’ve been lacking and I’m sure he’ll be an absolute rock at the back for us’.

*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.


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