Sean Dyche has been spotted fleeing the UK as odds shorten on him becoming the new manager of Everton.
Paddy Power News understands that the former Burnley gaffer, petrified at the thought of having to save the Merseyside club from relegation this term, was seen boarding a ferry bound for Belgium at Dover this morning, disguised as a nun.
“It was definitely him” an onlooker told us, “I recognised that ginger bum fluff sticking out from underneath his hood.
“I’ve never heard a nun with a voice as rough as that.”
This allegation was backed up by a member of staff working at the ferry port who explained how they’d previously seen travellers disguise themselves in religious clothing.
“I remember when Max and Paddy from Phoenix Nights tried to get through customs with the ‘altar wine’.”
Close associates of Dyche told us that he has been “incommunicado” since Everton lost at West Ham on Saturday.
“Sean has been worried ever since his name was linked with The Toffees job. He’s desperate to get back into work but like he said, not that f****ng desperate.
“I’d rather stack shelves in Aldi than coach that bunch of no-marks” is understood to have been his last words to friends before his disappearance, although Aldi head office confirmed to us that they had not received an application from Dyche.
At the time of going to press, we were still waiting for confirmation from Ostend that any person fitting Dyche’s description had got off the boat.
NEW TO PADDY POWER NEWS?
We contacted Everton Football Club this morning to get the latest on who was on their shortlist to replace the beleaguered Frank Lampard;
“We can’t really say too much at this stage” a club spokesperson told us.
“Although Mr Lampard’s car-parking space is being repainted as we speak.”
When we explained to them that we thought Dyche had done a runner, they replied:
“If Mr Dyche feels like that then its really unfortunate. We might have offered him a job share as there’s an Aldi less than two miles from here which has a decent football team. I think Franny Jeffers occasionally turns out for them.
“What I can tell you is that whoever takes over at Goodison Park needs to be 100 per-cent focused on getting us out of the Championship next season. Now you’ll have to excuse me as I’ve got Steve Bruce on line two.”
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 110% nonsense
- Man United cancel title-win bus parade plans after Palace draw
- Guardiola reveal half-time teamtalk v Spurs: ‘Lads, it’s Tottenham’
- FA Cup games to be shown on Pornhub after Wolves v Liverpool stunt
- Premier League Sack Race: Who’ll be next to get the boot?