Manchester United have cancelled their Premier League title open top bus parade after last night’s 1-1 draw with Crystal Palace.
Palace’s Michael Olise scored a stunning last-minute free-kick to end United’s three-day title challenge.
As a result, the Old Trafford club scrapped plans for an open top bus parade along Deansgate among other scheduled celebrations.
‘Yesch, it is very dischappointing’, United boss Erik ten Hag told Paddy Power News.
‘I bought a schit load of Heineken for the parade and everything’.
When asked why the club felt it necessary to pull the plug on the title celebrations, the 52-year-old said:
‘Because Caschemiro is schuschpended and I muscht play McFred at the Emiratesch’.
United’s owners also expressed their disappointment that the Premier League title wouldn’t be returning to Old Trafford for the first time in ten years.
‘It totally sucks, man’, said Joel Glazer.
‘This is even worse than the time Cantona whooped a Palace fan’s ass down here’.
Pressed on whether United were ever truly in a title race given their vastly inferior goal difference, the American billionaire replied:
‘If we’d held out for the victory at Palace, all we needed to do was beat Arsenal 20-0 at the Emirates and the title was as good as ours, man’.
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Meanwhile, Crystal Palace will be presented with a commemorative trophy by the Premier League at their next home game with Newcastle.
The Eagles are being recognised for their years of dedication to ruining the title aspirations of in-form clubs visiting Selhurst Park.
‘This is our way of saying thank you to Palace for crushing so many fan’s dreams over the years’.
‘We award them this bronze banana skin for playing like prime Barca against title-chasing teams when they have f**k all to play for themselves’.
‘The presentation will take place on the pitch shortly after they’ve broke the Toon Army’s hearts.’
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 110% nonsense – if you believe it we’ve a 37-year-old striker on £173m-a-year to sell you
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