Manchester United have approached out-of-contract Adebayo Akinfenwa as talks with Burnley’s Wout Weghorst rumble on.
Erik ten Hag is on the lookout for a striker to fill the void left behind by Cristiano Ronaldo and hoped to add compatriot Weghorst to United’s squad.
Old Trafford scouts have been scouring the globe for an ageing brick sh*thouse forward they can sign for peanuts in January and identified the Netherland’s World Cup star as their No1 target.
However, with the Glazers unwilling to pay Besiktas the five quid to release Weghorst from his season-long loan deal, United have turned their attentions to recently retired Akinfenwa.
Discussing the move with Paddy Power News, Red Devils’ Football Director John Murtough said:
‘Akinfenwa ticks every box in terms of what we’re looking for’.
‘He’s free, well past his best and another stopgap signing that’ll p*ss off the fans’.
‘We’re hoping he can etch his name in United folklore alongside January signings like Zoran Tosic; Manucho and Dong Fangzhou’.
With the aid of a PowerPoint presentation, Murtough explained the club’s recent policy of targeting progressively worse cut-price strikers.
‘As you can see, we started off with Zlatan. Then we signed Odion Ighalo. We failed with a bid for Marko Arnautović’.
‘This January we’re looking at Wout Weghorst and Adebayo Akinfenwa. By 2025 we’ll be offering contracts to some of the celebs who played upfront in the Soccer Aids games’.
‘By 2027 we’ll give squad numbers to the highest bidding YouTubers. And by 2030 the plan is to offer a deal to Bebe’s son’.
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Upon hearing of United’s interest, Akinfenwa told Paddy Power News:
‘Although the idea of watching Anthony rotate like a 90 million quid Fidget Spinner on the Old Trafford byline is a tempting one, I’d much rather enjoy my retirement, thanks’.
‘Although my cousin, Dave said he’s keen. He can’t do Tuesdays, though. Pilates’.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 110% nonsense
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