Truss’ lettuce and Bruce’s cabbage among Aston Villa job frontrunners

Curbs, Dychey and Iceberg all in the running...

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A 60p iceberg lettuce that outlasted Liz Truss’ stint as UK prime minister and a cabbage that was once thrown at Steve Bruce are the frontrunners for the vacant Aston Villa managerial position following the departure of Steven Gerrard, Paddy Power News understands.

The 42-year-old was sacked last night following Villa’s 3-0 defeat by Fulham which leaves the midlands club hovering dangerously above the relegation zone having won just two of their 10 Premier League games this season.

Gerrard’s departure means that Villa owners Nassef Sawiris and Wes Edens are on the lookout for a new manager with Liz Truss’ wilting lettuce and Steve Bruce’s cabbage reportedly their top targets.

‘Poch and Tuchel told us to f**k off, so we’re down to a shortlist of Big Sam, Sean Dyche, Chris Wilder, a lettuce and a cabbage’, Villa chief executive Christian Purslow told Paddy Power News.

‘After a thorough interview process, it was clear that the lettuce and the cabbage were the stand-out candidates.

‘The lettuce has proven its durability and ability to compete at the very top level having outlasted Liz Truss’ reign as prime minister’.

‘While the cabbage has already demonstrated it can handle the hostile atmosphere at Villa Park’.  

‘We’d like to thank Sam, Sean and Chris for their interest in the position. We’re sure they have a bright future in the fast-food services industry in front of them’.

Meanwhile, Gerrard has wasted absolutely no time in finding a new job after it emerged the former Liverpool star had entered the race to become the UK’s latest prime minister.

Polls have the 2005 Champions League winner as the clear favourite ahead of former PM Boris Johnson, Larry the Downing Street Cat and Jacob Rees-Mogg’s favourite top hat.

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‘I feel I’m at the stage of me career where I’m ready to lead the UK government’, Gerrard told PPN.

‘Gary Mac will be me chancellor and Philippe Coutinho me foreign secretary’.

‘I’ve even written me memoirs about me astonishing rise to power. I’m calling it ‘Out of the Claret and Blue’.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is just complete nonsense, every word of it. Honest.

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