Exclusive: Conte spotted in gym as he plots ‘brutal’ Arteta handshake

"You're crushing my hand, Antonio"

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Spurs boss Antonio Conte is understood to have joined a local gym in a bid to increase the intensity of his handshake ahead of the North London derby today.

Multiple sources confirm that the Italian will be more than willing to “rip Arteta’s arm clean off” if he so much as looks at him the wrong way during today’s big game following his confrontation with Thomas Tuchel earlier in the season.

Antonio Conte

“Antonio has developed an appetite for destruction since dislodging Thomas Tuchel’s wrist earlier in the season, and it seems now he wants more,” confirmed a frightened confidante of the feisty Italian.

A dedicated training regime in his local gym, Beefs and Muscles, has been “the perfect way to ensure maximum damage is done” to the little Spaniard, according to our sources.

“He’s now a lean, mean, hand-shaking-finger-breaking machine, much stronger, fitter and in a better mindset than ever before, so little Mikel had better watch out.”

However, Conte’s personal training plan has meant preparations haven’t gone according to plan for his side for the big game.

The new look Conte-Schwarzenegger failed to recognise his own strength, causing mayhem in the club canteen.

“Within five minutes of Conte arriving at training on Monday, we had reports of three broken hands and six dislocated arms among the kitchen staff.”

“We assumed something sinister had happened however we’ve been informed it was just Antonio greeting the people who serve the breakfast to the players.

Mikel Arteta Arsenal Dundalk October 29, 2020

“All the spoons are bent now too. You’d think Uri Gellar got drunk and couldn’t help himself,” we were told.

“Antonio’s even been banned from patting the dog at home it’s that bad.”

Elsewhere ahead of the game, Arsenal supporters are believed to be so confident of a win that many have populated their Twitter drafts with classic jokes such as “mind the gap” and “spuds” before the game has even kicked off.

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Sitting pretty at the top of the table having impressively beaten several of the clubs in a relegation scrap, one die-hard Gooner referred to the current crop as “better than the 98’ double winners”.

Ellis Jones who was born in 2006 and has absolutely no idea whatsoever about football before 2013 took to Twitter to say “the game is more competitive these days” and “Saliba is the player Tony Adams wished he was”. 

A number of older Arsenal fans have chosen to block Ellis from ever appearing in their Twitter feed again.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is just complete nonsense, every word of it. Honest.

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