Barcelona post £86m profit as Jordan Belfort signs off on accounts

It all adds up, he says


Barcelona recorded a profit of £86m for the last financial year, the club’s new accountant Jordan Belfort has announced.

The Catalan giants were unable to register new players during the summer transfer window because of La Liga financial regulations having made a significant loss the previous year.


The club then turned to former Wall Street stockbroker Belfort who suggested they free up some funding using ‘economic levers’.

‘Levers’ included selling shares of their future television rights for the next 100-years, withholding their staff’s salaries and selling Avon.

As a result, the Spanish outfit closed the 2021-22 financial year with a turnover of ‘900 squillion quid’.

Xavi Barcelona

‘Nothing to see here’, Belfort told Paddy Power News while setting fire to boxes full of documents in the Nou Camp car park.

When pressed on Barca’s impressive performance during the past financial year, the 60-year-old said: ’86 million? Those are rookie numbers. Next year’s forecasted profit is 240 bajillion’.

‘The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely f**king not’.

Belfort also suggested selling high-earner Frenkie de Jong to Manchester United in a bid to reduce the club’s wage bill.

However, upon hearing of the United’s interest, the Dutch midfielder gathered the Barca squad together at the club’s training facility to make an announcement.

‘I’m not f**king leaving’, the 25-year-old yelled down a microphone as his teammates wildly celebrated.

‘The Nou Camp is my home. They’re gonna need a f**king wrecking ball and £17m in deferred wages to take me outta here’.

Then the former Ajax star started rhythmically thumping on his chest and chanting much to the delight of his teammates who joined in soon after.

BARCELONA, SPAIN – AUGUST 07: Frenkie De Jong of FC Barcelona follows the action during the Joan Gamper Trophy match between FC Barcelona and Pumas UNAM at Spotify Camp Nou on August 07, 2022 in Barcelona, Spain. (Photo by Eric Alonso/Getty Images)

Meanwhile, following Belfort’s audit, Barcelona president Joan Laporta announced the club now under the ownership of one Canary M Burns.

‘It’s truly an honour to take full responsibility for all the club’s financial dealings’, tweeted the small yellow songbird.

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