The Premier League has today confirmed a new initiative featuring Ant and Dec at the VAR controls was trialled over the last weekend’s fixtures in a bid to attract even bigger audiences for games,.
Piloted over Saturday and Sunday’s games, the new scheme, known as ‘LOLZ-b4-GOALZ’, was put into action during matches at Stamford Bridge, St James Park and Old Trafford and had the comedy duo overseeing all VAR decisions.
They were encouraged to “cause as much anarchy and unrest as possible” in the name of expanding the Premier League’s reach.
“The aim of LOLZ-b4-GOALZ is to put laughter before football, doubling the controversy, our global audience and maximising Premier League social media reach – and profits.”
“We want to see grown men leaving stadiums seething in anger and little children crying on the bus journey home not knowing why their side came away with nothing,” confirmed a Premier League spokesperson.
“And seeing #VARish*t trending globally on Twitter just shows the effect we’re having.”
They went on to thank the Northeast’s second greatest comedic duo after the Chuckle Brothers for their efforts.
“Ant & Dec have been fantastic throughout this launch period.
“What they delivered during the Chelsea West Ham match was nothing short of perfect. David Moyes’ eyes nearly popped out of his head!
“Could your Beadles’, your Jolys’, your Kutchers’ match that? Could they f**k.”
“We were quite stunned they even got involved with the Newcastle goal considering their allegiance, but the mission statement has been made very clear to everybody involved; wind-ups first, football last, fans nowhere.”
While it’s not clear what else LOLZ-b4-GOALZ has in its locker over the coming months, rumours circulating suggest there will be a new “blue card” introduced. If a player receives this, he will be asked to play the rest of the match with his bootlaces tied together.
There has also been talk of Mr Blobby taking to the field and throwing a custard pie in the face of anybody on a losing side – or possibly taking charge of a game himself with hilarious results!
“We changed the game in 1992 with the introduction of the Premier League and we’ve changed it again with the announcement of LOLZ-b4-GOALZ,” continued the Premier League spokesperson.
“To see how unhappy Martin Odegaard was after his tackle was judged to be a foul during the United clash, and Declan Rice was after their late equaliser was ruled out, to witness Alan Shearer have a meltdown on social media, that’s what the Premier League is all about for me.
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“Raw emotion, mayhem, heartbreak, and utter confusion.”
Premier League clubs now face an anxious wait to see who – or what – will make VAR decisions next weekend.
Rumours abound that Tipping Point host Ben Shephard will drop massive gold coins from a great height onto the VAR computer, the impact randomly deciding what the f**k is going on, but sources are remaining tip-lipped.
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