Scott Parker axed amid Bournemouth v Dundee United playoff proposal

So, who's sh*tter?

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Bournemouth and Dundee United will meet in a two-legged play-off to discover just who is the sh*ttiest team in Britain.

Both clubs were hammered 9-0 last weekend by Liverpool and Celtic respectively and debate has been raging ever since as to who is worse out of the two.

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And a Cherries insider explained to Paddy Power News how the proposed game led to manager Scott Parker’s sudden departure

“You’d think 9-0 would be enough to get you the sack, but it was Scott’s refusal to miss a photo-shoot showing off his new cardigan for the Dundee United game that proved to be the final straw.”

“Plus, he said it was demeaning to play an SPL team.”

And his exit has come a huge relief to many members of the playing staff.

“He made the lads watch the Liverpool game nine times on Sunday as punishment for their performance at Anfield.”

“Mark Travers hasn’t spoken since. Cruel is the only word for it.”

Parker, a brand ambassador for Charles Tyrwhitt, has seen his sartorial elegance as well as his managerial credibility take a battering in the early part of the season and there could be more bad news on the horizon.

“There’s no doubt about it, any more repeat performances like Saturday and he’s toast,” a source within the fashion brand explained to us.

“He’s turned our brand into a laughing stock overnight. Everyone thinks three stripes on one sleeve of a cardigan sleeve looks stupid now!

“And all because Bournemouth have -14 goals difference after four games – not because it is clearly very stupid looking in and of itself. No sireee.”

Meanwhile in Scotland, Dundee United fans have been too ashamed to go out after being demolished at Tannadice by a rampant Celtic.

Someone drinking Irn Bru told us: “Jack Ross had to go. We’d already been smashed 7-0 in Europe this season and now this. Enough’s enough.”

Ross was fired within hours of Parker’s departure and was last seen boarding a flight to the Faroe Islands as it’s the only place he’s likely to find a club willing to take him on after Sunday’s defeat.

It has been suggested the two ex-managers could take charge of the other team in the mooted playoff, but with domestic fixtures coming thick and fast, it’s unclear just when the two teams will meet.

A Premier League insider told us; “I’m not sure how the Scottish FA feels, but we’ve told Bournemouth that they’ll just have to put out the reserves for a Premier League game whilst the first-team try to save face.

“Let’s be honest, they can’t do any worse than that shower last Saturday.”

Nobody from the Scottish FA was available for comment this morning although a Dundee United insider was prepared to tell us that:

“The top brass are desperate to get the Bournemouth game on. We’ve been told that if we lose we’ll be demoted to the Highland League and be replaced in the Premier Division by Buckie Thistle.”

*Paddy Power’s breaking sports coverage is 100% fake news*

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