Manchester United supporters are going to extraordinary lengths to try to get Monday night’s Premier League game against Liverpool called off.
Paddy Power News has uncovered a secret plot by United fan groups to ensure their side doesn’t get another spanking following last week’s shambles at Brentford.
An unnamed source was prepared to come forward to explain more but first, we were told to rendezvous at a warehouse on the outskirts of Manchester if we wanted to find out more.
After a quick bacon butty at the mobile food van, they opened the shutter doors and we were shocked at what we discovered.
“We’ve got around a thousand packs of Evo-Stick,” they explained, “We got them as a job lot from Extinction Rebellion who had spares. Some of us intend gluing ourselves to the floor outside the players entrance so they can’t get changed.
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“We’re also going to stick ourselves down outside every entry point so even if the players change on the bus, they won’t get on the pitch.”
As we made our way through the warehouse, we made another chilling discovery. “Oh yeh, I guess you’ll want to know why there’s 50 cherry pickers in here?” They whispered.
“In the early hours of Monday morning we intend getting onto the Old Trafford roof and taking down the floodlights. That will really f**k up an 8pm kick-off, even in late summer.”
United shipped five goals the last time the two teams met at the ‘Theatre of Dreams’, soon to be renamed the ‘Theatre of Nightmares’ and United fan groups are determined that this will (temporarily) put a stop to a repeat performance on Monday.
Even the broadcast itself is at risk. In a doomsday scenario where the match goes ahead another United fan group will ensure no one watching on television will see a minute of the United spanking.
“The lads have drones tracking the path of the Astra satellite – there’s no way a signal’s getting past and into anyone’s sitting room on Monday evening.
“We’re already the laughing stock of Europe and if Casemiro watches another pummeling, we reckon he might demand a million quid a week to come here.”
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