Billionaire businessman Elon Musk has today confirmed his intention is to send the entire Manchester United squad into space the minute his takeover of the club has been confirmed.
Having announced on Twitter that he is plotting a bid to buy Manchester United from the Glazer family, Musk went on to make himself even more of a hero with the United faithful by suggesting Mars as a likely destination for any player who disgraced themselves against Brighton or Brentford in the opening two games of the season.
“As a childhood United fan, Elon is completely fed up with the players. We could try to sell them to other teams but we’d be lucky to get a Hula-hoops multipack and a bottle of Orangina for Fred, Dalot and Rashford the way they’re playing.
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“Even Bruno Fernandes looks sh*te these days,” confirmed a representative close to Musk.
The South African billionaire inventor is said to be working on a machine That will change sh*t footballers into good ones, but his spokesman confirmed this is still in the Research & Development stage.
“It’s a genius idea, we just need to work out how to do it now,” they said
In the short term, the club’s next move could be a prolonged trip to space for several squad members in a bid to get them off the books.
“Elon has the kit, so Mars, the moon, an alternative galaxy are all options, and – worst of all – a crash landing in Goodison Park, cannot be ruled out for some of them.”
And Musk has also agreed to cover the costs of a complete facial reconstruction and hair transplant to James Bond-villain lookalike and current Manchester United owner, Avram Glazer, as part of any deal, to the delight of anybody needing to look at him on a regular basis.
“You’d think the dividends would cover it but the work is quite extensive.”
With Musk’s possible takeover in the offing, transfer business could also grind to a complete halt at Old Trafford until a deal is confirmed.
“We expect youngsters will get an opportunity to impress against Liverpool,” our source said. “Elon might even start himself up front once a deal is done, however, his long-term transfer strategy is to only sign players who drive Teslas.
“We believe the fans will appreciate the Tesla tansfer policy is a far more coherent and structured approach than anything seen at the club since Sir Alex Ferguson left in 2013.”
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