Breaking: Man United offer contract to James Beattie after Arnautovic snub ​

Calling him 'Plan D' would suggest there's a plan at all tbf

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Manchester United have offered a contract to former Stoke City striker James Beattie after failing with an £8 million bid for Marko Arnautovic.

44-year-old Beattie, who retired from professional football in 2013, is viewed by senior Old Trafford figures as the ideal man to bolster United’s attack.

NOTTINGHAM, UNITED KINGDOM – JULY 29: Stoke’s James Beattie during the pre season friendly between Nottingham Forest and Stoke City at the City Ground on July 29, 2009 in Nottingham, England. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images)

‘James is someone who’s been on our radar since half nine this morning’, United director of football John Murtough told Paddy Power News.

‘He fits the criteria for the type of player we’re hoping to bring to the club, in that, he’s a middle-aged injury-prone striker who just happens to be available near the end of the transfer window’.

‘Erik told us three months ago he needed more attacking options so we’re hoping to have this deal wrapped up at approximately 11pm on Deadline Day’.

When asked whether the club had a contingency plan in place should they miss out on Beattie’s signature, Murtough replied:

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‘Ricardo Fuller is on a free. Kenwyne Jones, that’s another option. Rory Delap can do a job up top, and he’s got that long throw. Imagine Cristiano getting on the end of those? If he stays.’

Meanwhile, United have offered Adrien Rabiot’s mother a central midfield berth as the club tries desperately to get a deal for her son over the line.

PARIS, FRANCE – JUNE 13: Adrien Rabiot of France during the UEFA Nations League League A Group 1 match between France and Croatia at Stade de France on June 13, 2022 in Paris, France. (Photo by James Williamson – AMA/Getty Images)

Erik Ten Hag views no-nonsense Veronique Rabiot as the ideal midfield enforcer his team is crying out for.

It’s hoped the mother and son would be registered in time for United’s humiliating defeat at Brentford next weekend.

‘She couldn’t be any worse than McFred’, Ten Hag told Paddy Power News.

‘In fact, the Rabiot family dog would probably get a game for us in midfield.

‘Even if the animal spent the entire 90 minutes pissing up a corner flag or humping the ref’s leg, it would still have had a better game than McFred yesterday’.

*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*

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