Frenkie de Jong has officially ruled out a move to Man United, confirming he would rather play the next five years for Barcelona for nothing than join the Red Devils.
The longest-running transfer saga of the summer ended abruptly after the twenty-five-year-old announced to local reporters that playing for free would be preferable to pulling on a United top Following Manchester United’s 2-1 home defeat to Brighton on Sunday.
“Frenkie’s willing to turn out for nothing just to avoid playing for United,” our La Liga correspondent revealed.
“Which is great because Barca aren’t going to pay him a f**king penny he’s owed anyway – Robert Lewandowski’s been promised a Learjet and his own private Mediterranean island as part of his contract by the club and Frenkie’s wages have to cover that.”
Should Barcelona insist on De Jong leaving the club for a transfer fee, the Dutch international is considering retirement from the game completely to avoid an Old Trafford move.
“I watched the game with Frenkie and he thinks Manchester United has a bright future in the world of comedy rather than top-level sports,” said a source close to the Dutch international.
“He couldn’t understand why they started with only nine players.
“Like most of us, it took him 60 minutes to realise Sancho and Rashford were on the pitch.”
“And Diogo Dalot is an absolute magician because he’s tricked so many people into believing he is a professional footballer.
“Most of all, though, he was convinced Fred and McTominay were auditioning as replacements for the Chuckle Brothers – he kept shouting ‘to me, to you’ at the television whenever they were on screen at the start ,and then ‘to Brighton’ whenever either player had the ball throughout the game.”
And the 25-year-old’s confusion only grew as he watched the game unfold.
“They were so sh*te he thought he must be the target on an episode of a Punk’d reboot and all the United players were in on it – he was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to appear from around the corner at any second.
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“He checked in his wardrobe, under his bed – he even called his agent to double check United’s performance was not a wind-up.”
With United seemingly ruled out of the running for De Jong’s signature, Paddy Power News contacted the agent of French international Adrien Rabiot, who is rumoured to be an alternative option.
“Unfortunately, my client will be washing his hair when he gets the dreaded call from Erik ten Hag,” confirmed the agent of the Juventus midfielder. “You’d be better off asking his mum if he can come out to play.”
*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*
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