Breaking: Barcelona offer Ronaldo half-a-million magic beans per-week contract ​

Done deal!

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Barcelona president Joan Laporta is prepared to offer Cristiano Ronaldo an eye-watering 500,000 magic beans-per-week to join the Catalan giants.

The wantaway Manchester United striker failed to report for pre-season training at Carrington yesterday citing ‘family reasons’, the main one being his family thinks the Europa League is shite.

TOPSHOT – Newly-appointed FC Barcelona’s Spanish coach Xavi Hernandez (R), flanked by FC Barcelona’s Spanish president Joan Laporta, poses with his jersey during the presentation ceremony at the Camp Nou stadium in Barcelona on November 8, 2021. (Photo by LLUIS GENE / AFP) (Photo by LLUIS GENE/AFP via Getty Images)

Now Laporta is hoping to lure the Portuguese away from Old Trafford with a deal worth around half a million enchanted legumes per week.

The move could see the former Real Madrid idol potentially link up with Robert Lewandowski, Bernardo Silva, Raphinha and Jules Koundé as part of Barca’s 200M magic bean summer overhaul.

‘These beans are even better than money’, Laporta told Paddy Power News as he searched the Spotify Nou Camp for a pot to p*ss in.

‘Legend has it if you throw them on the ground and cover them in manure they will grow into a towering beanstalk reaching up into the clouds’.

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‘At the top of the beanstalk you will find many wondrous treasures, including a bag of gold, a singing harp and a magic goose that sh*ts golden eggs’.

‘Just watch out for the Anglophobic cannibalistic giant that lives up there’, said the Spaniard underneath his breath.

Ronaldo’s representative Jorge Mendes confirmed talks with Barca are ongoing and his client would be open to being paid in magic beans if it meant escaping Old Trafford.

‘Magic beans, Nectar points, air miles, you name it’, the super-agent told Paddy Power News.

‘Honestly, if it came to a choice between playing in the Champions League at the Nou Camp or playing in the Europa League with United, Cristiano would pay Barca £500k-per-week to sign’.

Meanwhile, Manchester United are hoping the signing of a fourth left-back might be enough to persuade Ronaldo to remain at the club.

‘Cristiano can see what a successful summer it’s been for the club’, Chief Director of Footballing Directors John Murtough told PPN.

‘Signed that Dutch lad. Not De Jong. Forget his name now. Plays left-back. It’ll come to me’.

‘Some of the lad’s gym pics on Insta got thousands of likes. Which was nice’.

‘Plus, Jones is staying. Again. Big plus’.

*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*

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