Mikel Arteta has today launched a double bid for Jeff Bergkamp and Roy Petit having already completed the signing of Fabio Vieira.
In a bid to bring back the glory years of 1998-2004 to Arsenal, the club’s board of directors have publicly supported the manager’s plan to sign any player who shares surname with an Arsenal legend, suggesting it could be the first step on their journey to success.
“Imagine how intimidating it will be for the opposition when they see an Arsenal line-up consisting of Vieira, Bergkamp and Petit? It’s likely we will win the match before it’s even kicked off with those names on the team sheet” confirmed an official spokesperson.
“We’ve had very little success over the past 15 years and believe this idea could well work. Mikel has our full support in the transfer market, and we very much look forward to seeing what our starting XI will look like on the opening day of the season. I for one hope to see a Pires and an Henry.”
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With Vieira on board and Bergkamp and Petit incoming, Paddy Power News understands moves will be made for Paul Adams, a 41-year-old dad of three who plays for Sunday pub side the Dog and Duck, Leroy Overmars who is an American student on a gap year in London, and a little girl called Lauren who they will expect to become a fantastic right back.
Meanwhile, the Gunners are also closing in on a deal for Manchester City forward Gabriel Jesus, a source explaining that he ticks all the boxes for transfer chief Edu.
“Brazilian, and, err… that’s it. Perfect Arsenal signing.”
And Jesus may not be the only high-profile forward departure from the Etihad as City have slapped a £60m price tag on Chelsea target Raheem Sterling, who has caught the eye of Thomas Tuchel.
With the London side keen on the England international, rumours have circulated that they are slightly confused that the England international is still only 27 years old as it feels like he’s been playing at the top level for about 50 years.
Elsewhere, Manchester United new boss Erik ten Haag is said to be thrilled at the exciting prospect of chasing Frenkie De Jong all summer knowing that the club will end up signing Thomas Soucek on deadline day for £100m. He described it as “the United way”.
*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*
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