Insomnia Awareness groups across the UK have heaped praise on Gareth Southgate and his players for helping millions of sleep-deprived individuals finally drop off.
With an estimated 16 million adults suffering from sleep problems every night, England’s Nations League performances have been described as “the perfect sedative” by the frontman of electronic dance act Faithless, Maxi Jazz, who also happens to be an Associate Director at Crystal Palace Football Club and CEO of Insomniacs R US.
“We haven’t seen boredom in football fans like this since Van Gaal was in charge of Manchester United,” Jazz told Paddy Power News.
“We saw a 98% upturn in ZZZs. Everybody was getting seven, eight, even nine hours a night!”
Famous for singing the lyrics “I can’t get no sleep” in nightclub anthem Insomnia, Jazz admits the advice staff at Insomniacs R US used to offer irate patients would be to “listen to a Coldplay album” in a bid to bore themselves to sleep. This was until Louis Van Gaal took over as Manchester United manager between 2014-2016, a period known as the glory years to insomniacs across the globe – until the Nations League started.
“We’ve waited a few years but can finally say that what those England boys are doing is nothing short of miracle. We never thought Van Gaal could be topped until we saw England under Southgate in these atrocious Nations League matches.
“There will be thousands in the stadium desperate to get some sleep tonight, not to mention millions watching on telly hoping to drop off, so let’s hope the Three Lions can give us a repeat of what we saw against Italy, Germany and Hungary the first-time round.
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“We want slow-paced, actionless, sideways and backwards passes. We don’t want any shots, any saves, or any big tackles, but most of all, we don’t want any goals.”
Upon hearing the positive comments from a celebrity, Gareth Southgate said this in response.
“I’m truly motivated by those comments as it gives me belief that what I am doing is correct. Some things are more important than football. Like getting some kip.
“The aim of the game has always been to not lose, and if we can help some people while being a s boring as possible, all the better.
“I’ll have six right backs starting tonight, and overall, eight defenders. We will play keep ball for as long as possible and slow the game down at every given opportunity.”
Indeed, residents of Wolverhampton have been warned that the sound of collective snores emanating from Molineux for tonight’s game against Hungary could cause permanent hearing loss and should protect their ears accordingly.
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