Following Manchester United’s 4-0 hammering by Brighton, reports have hit the media claiming the driver of the United team coach opted to leave 14 squad members on the beach after the game.
The irate 54-year-old was heard shouting “those lazy b*stards have been acting like they were on the beach all season anyway, so can walk home” following the heavy loss.
With rumours circulating that several of the starting XI, including Scott McTominay, Victor Lindelof and Diogo Dalot couldn’t focus on the game because they were too excited by the prospect of playing on the 2p slot machines later that night, Paddy Power News understands the man responsible for transporting the squad home had simply had enough of their p*ss-taking and decided to head back up north without them.
“We were at the AMEX earlier in the day and it was pretty apparent that they didn’t want to waste any energy on the field” said one Brighton resident.
“I guess they had one eye on all the important stuff such as ice-creams, fish and chips and an evening kick-about on the beach. We saw them take on a few kids in a friendly beach kick-about, with the kids beating United 6-0.
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“We saw Rashford throw sand in Lingards’ eyes for a messing up a TikTok dance routine, Alex Telles get stung by a jellyfish and weirdly enough Ashley Young turned up wearing a 2013 United kit and a seagull crapped directly into his mouth again.”
With 48 hours having passed, a source close to the Manchester United coach driver had this to say on the incident.
“Our Steve has been driving these big-time-Charlies around all season, watching them put in minimal effort and take the mick out of the club and the fans, and he simply couldn’t take it any longer.
“He left them in the sand to fend for themselves. Apparently, three of them just went and signed for Brighton Reserves to save going through the effort of trying to get home. They’re just not a*sed.”
Having been abandoned by the driver at around 8pm on Saturday night and being completely out of battery on his phone, Portuguese midfielder Bruno Fernandes still needed to write his standard post-match apology so opted to do it with spray paint on a wall.
Whilst locals are used to up and coming street artists creating beautiful murals and eye-catching visuals, Bruno simply wrote 800 words about how sorry he was and how United fans deserve better.
The message has already been defaced with drawings of cocks and balls.
*Paddy Power News football coverage is 100% fake news – honest*
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