Billionaire Elon Musk has today announced that once his takeover of Twitter is finalised, all professional footballers will be banned from apologising to fans via the platform, arguing that “free speech” would be best served by eradicating “PR b*llox” from the site.
Working closely with his football-Twitter advisor, Victor Anichebe, Musk outlined his revolutionary plan, which includes the capacity to pick up phrases such as “we go again” and “not the result we wanted but our fans were outstanding”, culminating in an instant ban and £1m fine for any culprit found posting this “rubbish”.
The announcement has been met with resistance from Premier League and EFL chiefs.
“This is an absolute disgrace from Mr Musk. How will Manchester United supporters know that their squad truly cares about them if they don’t get to read that beautiful post-match apology each week?” asked a source close to Chief Executive of the Premier League, Richard Masters.
“We need these glorious PR companies acting on behalf of footballers across the country to ensure the player-fan connection remains intact. Mr Musk might not like the nature of the apology, but look at the ratios!
“50,000 likes and 10,000 retweets each time tells me the fans appreciate the honesty and integrity within each and every post.”
“And I can confirm the PR team working on behalf of one United defender has already created a fantastic post apologising for his imminent mistake and United’s 3-0 home defeat to Chelsea which will happen tomorrow night. It is dynamite, trust me.”
When pressed to reveal the identity of the player, our source remained tight-lipped.
“Look, it could be any of them they’re all so sh*te, you’ll just have to wait.”
Meanwhile, South African tech mogul Musk had this to say to Paddy Power News via a representative.
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“The journey will be a long one, but eventually we will create a platform in which people speak from the heart and with purpose, as opposed to paying a two-bit PR manager to post a load of generic bullsh*t on their behalf.
“Our team already has a list of culprits who we expect will be met with our full force once the takeover is confirmed. The likelihood is it will only be a matter of days before the entire Manchester United squad is no longer on the platform.
Despite Musk denying any interest in other social media platforms, reports are circulating that once his Twitter takeover is complete, his next move will be to purchase TikTok and Instagram where he is to ban footballers posting videos of themselves dancing, though they remain just rumours at time of publication.
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