With so many presents to buy, so much football to watch and tonnes of food to eat around Christmas, it’s easy to forget the real meaning of the festive season – getting to dress like a pillock in public with the naffest knitwear you can find.
Well, Paddy’s not going to let you forget it as we’re going Christmas jumper crazy this festive season, with our own nifty line of knitwear to mark this joyous time – not to mention the stacks of great National Hunt jumpers in action this week.
Talking of National Hunt Jumpers, Paddy’s giving away 1,000 of the painfully stylish sweaters at Leopardstown on Tuesday 28th of December to celebrate the running of the Paddy Power Chase! Just so happened there were a few lying around Paddy’s local petrol station on Xmas eve…
And while the Lidl Xmas jumpers, replete with repeating double-stitch logo, have certainly caught my eye, I honestly can’t think of a better way to celebrate the… umm, well whatever Christmas is meant to be about by representing for *insert your favourite Premier League brand/football club*.
But who’s fit to hit the Christmas catwalk and who’s going on Santa’s sartorial naughty list? We’ve ranked the Premier League’s knitwear nightmares from worst to first as the season of goodwill gets into full swing…
20 – Watford
An uninspiring choice that’ll match their final league position this season, the good news is they can always sack this one off and get in some other jumper from Spain til the end of the season.
19 – Chelsea
Sorry, Christmas penguins, Christmas deer, even Christmas bears, I can understand, but Christmas gnomes – for the sake of a weak pun?! Dearie me.
18 – Tottenham
And by understand Christmas deer, I do not mean I endorse or condone them. To add insult to injury, the deer is actually wearing a better Christmas jumper than the one you get. It’s like the Inception of football Christmas jumpers. Too confusing. Next.
17 – Newcastle
Mike Ashley clearly took the good ones with him to sell in Sports Directs up and down the land.
16 – West Ham
I’m sure Baubles enjoys it
15 – Leicester
An early nineties video game vibe off this. Dare I say it should’ve stayed there?
14 – Crystal Palace
Santa soaring above Selhurst Park like so many Christian Benteke efforts, you have to respect the formal arrangement of this for sure.
13 – Burnley
Gives an appropriate sense of Sean Dyche-like no-nonsense gruffness through the use of font alone. The black arms also scream “I’m rolling my sleeves up, sticking my hand in this turkey’s a**e and pulling out another 40 points this season, lads”. Very on-brand.
12 – Brentford
Inoffensive, pleasing on the eye, and not much use from January onwards – but enough about the team! Ho ho ho, indeed.
11 – Arsenal
Taking the “bruised banana” motif of their early nineties away kit, the Gooners hope this pleasing retro effort will be enough to distract their fans for another month ’til the next throwback leisurewear launch.
10 – Man City
Brash, bold, eye-catching – this is just the sort of fashion statement that’ll grab the eyes of potential new supporters who City hope will one day fill their ground.
9 – Brighton
Has all the right elements for a great Christmas jumper, but just can’t put them altogether when it counts. Sounds familiar.
8 – Everton
The bravery of Everton putting their fans protesting at Rafa Benitez’s reign of misery on their Christmas jumper has to be applauded.
7 – Norwich
Timeless. this Norwich City design will be keeping fans warm on cold winter nights in the Championship for years to come.
6 – Man United
Depicts Santa Claus visiting Old Trafford as he surveys the state of the ground before delivering new gutters, fittings and fixtures because there’s no f**king way the Glazers are paying for them.
5 – Wolves
A strong design, this layout eschews the fetish for all things Portuguese in Wolverhampton, which is probably for the best.
4 – Southampton
Almost disqualified on the ground that it’s not so much a jumper as it’s something to read before bed, the Saints ode to their manager may not stand the test of time but Christmas jumpers aren’t for life, they’re just for, well, Christmas.
3 – Aston Villa
Aided by a tweak to navy blue for the colour scheme, Villa have smashed it with this effort – such a shame it’s a year too late for Jack Grealish to model it. *wipes away tear*
2 – Leeds United
A big Santa face, what more do you want? Also fitting as they’re giving away goals like the big man hands out toys this season.
1 – Liverpool
Tough as it is to give Liverpool fans another thing to chirp about, there’s a touch of class to this. Let’s just hope it’s 30 years before they come up with another one as good.
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